I'm sad

I have an ache in my chest and all I want is for it to be fixed!  I want to feel happy and I want to feel joy! All I want is to know that this is the right thing and that everything will be ok!  It has to be ok because I can't handle it if it is not ok!

12-25-11

My <3 is broken!

Everytime I see him it takes all that have from breaking down and begging him to take me back. I am on the verge of tears a million times through out the day and I have know one to blame but myself!

Scared to be Alone

Last Night I begged for him to take me back. I begged and cried and pleaded for him to take me back.  I don't know if I really want him back but I want B to be happy. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he can't be married to me.  My life choices hve not been great and I am the one who suffers and deals with the pain. I am 30 years old and have a ton of life to live.  I just want it to be better than before!

This house is just as broken You made it fall apart

This is how I think Michael feels:

Your silence speaks to me tonight
I question that I know the answer to
An answer that I need to hear from you
But I can't take this anymore
So this is the last song I sing to you
It's time I be a man and I face the truth
The lies,
All the tears in your eyes
I won't waste the time or the breath on you
To explain things you think you already knew
So goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

One push
One pull
One final break
This foolish heart and your mistakes
It's hard enough to know the things you did
It's harder not to let you right back in
But I've got nothing left to say
So this is the last song I sing to you
It's time I be a man and i face the truth
The lies,
All the tears in your eyes
I won't waste the time or the breath on you
To explain things you think you already knew
Already knew...

Letters to Michael

12/15/11
Michael

I am sorry for all the pain that I caused you. I am sorry that I changed and was no longer the girl that you once loved. I know that I am difficult and impossible to live with but I needed you. I needed you to love me and show me that you loved me and tell me that you loved me. I needed support and understanding and a safe place. I have felt like forever and it's just been me against the world. It is hard when I put so much pressure on myself and then to add the weight of the world to that it is hard to handle.  I have had a rough couple of years and no one understands me. I am sorry that I wasn't the wife that I should have been but I think we had a hard start from the beginning and never really overcame that. It is like our marriage has one been a struggle over and over. I think that you are wonderful and a great dad. I just wish I could have been better. Thank you for being a great part of my life.
Lynsey

12/21/11
Michael

First off I want to tell you that I am truly sorry for all of the things that I have done that have been selfish and hurtful to you! I realize that my actions have not shown you that I love you and that I want to be with but I do and I promise that I will stop doing what I have been doing. I know that I am depressed and I sometimes feel like it isn't even me that is acting this way. I will be a better mother to Brody and I will get serious about finding a job and I will check back in. I know that I have been distancing myself and really not wanting to involve myself in anything and I am sorry and I will do better!  If you don't want to get back together right now just let me know that we may have a chance and I will begin to work on myself! I just don't want us to divorce! We have been in this marriage to long to throw it away! We have made it through some tough stuff and I know that you have had to deal with a lot from me but I am sorry and I want nothing more than to try and get back to a happy place for both of us! Brody needs his mother and father together! Please say we have a chance! I love you!
Lynsey

love me

It was beautiful as long as it lasted…. the journey of my life. I have no regrets whatsoever save the pain I'll leave behind. The strong arms that held me up when my own strength let me down. At every turning of my life I came across good friends, Friends who stood by me, even when the time raced me by. Farewell, my friends I smile and say goodbye. Don’t shed tears for me. All I need is your smile. If you feel sad do think of me for that's what I will like when you live in the hearts of those you love, remember then you never die.

Today I realized that there is not going to be a happily ever after for us.

For sometime now we both knew that our story was ending and we were just playing the part! How it all went down was a little surreal likeIi know its happened but just isn't reality. I guess this is what falling out is like! I have never reeally felt it before and for some reason I am not so much ......I am just at peace. I feel like this is the right decision that we made together and I know now that some things are meant to last they just take a place in your heart and you make you a little smarter for the next time.

This could have been goodbye!

I am sorry for all the bad things I said today.  No one is perfect and you don't understand my illness and probably never will. I try to talk to Michael and Mom about things but they choose not to hear me.  I never have told my son to "leave me alone" I have said "I am working" because I am working. I am a good mother so fuck all of you that think I am not.  I haven't had much work this week so I went with Brody to the park twice and played outside with him. You don't know how I feel and how my meds make me feel so, don't ever say I wasn't a good mom.  No one understands or cares so, escaping from the life were everyone treats me bad at least makes me feel better.  I will never be able to live up to how everyone views Michael so, what's the point.  I have always been strong but I lost it.  I lost my will to really live and I just go through the motions and sometimes I can barely make it through the day but you don't get it.  I have always been the person that everyone depended on and I was supposed to be strong adn help everyone but when I need help no one is there for me and it hurts.  I am hurting and I can't just "snap out of it" sorry I have tried it doesn't work like that.  People seem to forget the person I used to be and well I guess that doesn't matter. No one can say "Lynsey we know you can be better b/c you used to do this or that or you always helped when I needed you.  No one has ever called to check on me. It was always me. Why do I feel like our family is falling apart and if I was fine it would all be ok but I am the problem apparently.  Who cares about anyone elsse's faults lets just take it all out on Lynsey.  I don't see how I can recover from this I don't see myself getting better b/c no one is there for me. I've been begging for help and non cares and no one helps.  I am all alone. I love my child more than anything in this world and he is the reason that I am still here.  Even though it seems that everyone would be better off if this "mean girl" was gone!

O yes that is me

Today was a bad day for me. I had to run some errands and I was so overwhelmed and had so much anxiety that I broke down and cried a couple of times. It is not like I was having to do things that were hard. I was just running simple errands like going to Wal-Mart and the Post Office. That is it! I don't understand why I am not able to do simple things with out becoming a basket case! It is like if anything doesn't go exactly has planned I start freaking out on the inside and then I start freaking out on the outside. Why me? Why can't I be normal?

Our love song is now a sad sad song!

7 years ago I thought you and I were meant to be for eternity now I feel like we are on the edge of goodbye. I know we both know that things have gone bad and it is so hard to even remember the good times we once had!

At this point it doesn't matter who is wrong or is right even though we both have our own versions of what and how it went wrong. I know that I am not perfect and there are a lot of things that I need to change but I am not going to take all of the blame!
There are 2 people in this marriage and it takes 2 people to make it work! I have lost my sense of direction and my will to fight. I am not even sure if we are worth saving because we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it. I am so numb to the pain I really don't feel anything it is so bad I can't even laugh or cry.

I want you to love me enough to reach out for me when I am falling off the edge and well lately I just keep falling down and I don't have the strength to get back up and I feel like I am crying out for you but you don't hear me or see my pain. It is like you just walk by me and give me a little nudge and push me even further off the edge.
You know we can be sitting in the same room and be so far away. When did that happen? Where did it all go wrong? What happened to us? I don't even know if our love can be saved. Is it to far gone? Are we worth fighting for?

Advice from a friend!

Well, I just talked to a friend that said "Fix the situation you are in before you try and do anything else, If you aren't happy get a divorce or work it out! Quit trying to live a double life and pretend that everything is ok when what you are doing is wrong to me and your husband in so many ways!" This friend is one of the guys that I had talked to when I was pretending that I wasn't married. I told him the truth a couple of weeks ago and haven't talked to him since but today he texted me and then he wanted to say some things to me and you know what he is so right. He said he didn't hate me but what I was doing was fucked up and that I need to fix it! He is right but, what is the right thing to do? I don't know? We have lost something and i don't know if it is too late to get it back! This why I need a crystal ball so I can see the future and what happens when I make a decision so, I don't make the wrong one!

Don't let'em fool ya!

It is funny how a good day can turn in a shitty day in an instant! Well, I was woking on pictures and just doing my normal stuff and friend stopped by! We talked for a while about some things going on with her and then I brought up a job opening that I new about and that i asked Michael to see if he could hook me up with the job since his family has a really close connection. Well, come to find out Michael didn't say anything and they are interviewing tomorrow and thursday and I don't have an interview. So, it pissed me off because he is still my husband and he wants me to get a job so effin bad he should of done whatever he could in his power to help me out! I would have done that for him! O, wait I did do that for him! I am just so sick of him and all the crap. He refuses to go to marriage counseling and he doesn't want to help me get a job. That is what people do they help other people they know get jobs! So, I am so mad at him and I don't even want to be around him! Of couse when I talk to him about it. No one defends me and everytime Michael is bicthing at me about something my mother doesn't hesitate to jump on with how she feels but not with Michael becuase Michael is great and wonderful and blah blah I think I am going to throw up! Don't let Michael fool you. He is not that great! In fact I am not even sure if I can name one thing that I think is great or wonderful!

For the 1st time made to suit!

I am laid up in bed with a broken heart, while he’s out doing whatever he wants. How did we get into this mad situation? We are only doing things out of frustration. We are trying to make it work but these times are hard! I need him now but he can't seem to find the time. How did we get in this mess? Is it God's test?

Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best, we are trying to make it work but these times are hard. We should start by staying up and talking all night, saying things we haven't said for a while.
We're smiling but we're close tears, even after all these years! We just now got the feeling that we're needed for the first time in a while. But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts, you pick yourself up when you get kicked to the dirt. We are trying to make it work but, these times are hard. Oh!  These times are hard; yeah they're making us crazy. Please don't give up on us baby!

No one will talk to me!

I hate my life and most people in it!  I tried to talk to my mom today and well she wouldn’t. Take 2 I was talking and she said don’t talk to me because I am not listening. I tried to talk to my friend and well got about 30 words in and well she bailed.  I tried to talk to my sister and well she listened but that was it.   I have been yelled at today and cussed at and guess what I feel like crap.  Of course that is all my fault.  I am so done!

another day in the life

“She smiles with all she has left yet her tears are left undried though she has so much to say she bottles it up inside if you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees a disguise so you won’t recognize that girl is really...me.”


I thought today was going to be a pretty good day well, it was for the most part the part until Mom and Michael came home. I tried to talk to Mom about stuff and well, that ended rather quickly because she did not listen to anything that I said she just started talking about how I don’t do this and I don’t do that and well I ended that conversation and barely spoke to her the rest of the evening. You see my heart is broke and I want to be able to talk but obviously she is not the one. I knew that she wasn’t but I tried any way because she used to be the person I could talk to about anything. O well, things change! Then Michael came home ................... well I have been trying to talk to him as little as possible because I am just angry at him but we still have to talk a little. So, he brings me my phone and makes the comment that he couldn’t check who called me because my phone is locked and then he said because I was still lying and hiding things. That pissed me off because I am not! The reason my phone is and has been locked because Brody and Ashlyn pick it up and that can’t do anything if it is locked! So, then I really tried to not talk but he was telling me about a job that may become available in an office of a close Rima family friend and well I asked him why he couldn’t help me out with that and he said blah fucking blah some bs about how they hire from within and then I started bitching about it and of course he was just about to say but he would have his dad talk to him……….. Whatever! Tonight has been hard and full of sadness and tears and I just want to be ok!

I can't escape

Is it too much to ask to be loved? Not only to be loved but to be told that I am loved. To feel like I am loved. Instead of breaking me down why can't you lift me up? I am so weak and I need you to be strong.


I have always been the "strong one". The one that took care of things. The person who would advise and listen and do things for others without asking of anything in return. I am the girl that would send encouraging words through the mail because it would brighten their day. I was the girl that everyone thought was so confidant but underneath my smile I was dying inside.

I have been living in such sadness that I don't even know when I became so overwhelmed that I became the person I am now. The girl that wallows in her self pity daily. The girl that blames others for her sadness. The girl that would rather stay in bed than do anything at all. The girl that doesn't talk to her friends because talking is just too much. The girl who has good intentions when making plans but when the time comes I become so overwhelmed and scared that I often break plans. I don't care if I leave the house. I don't care if I talk to anyone.

I just want to be happy again! I know that I don't want to live this life like this because I have basically stopped living and I am just existing.

My Broken Heart

The symptoms of a "broken heart" can manifest themselves through psychological pain but for many the effect is physical. Although the experience is regarded commonly as indescribable, the following is a list of common symptoms that occur:

A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack

Stomachache and/or loss of appetite

Partial or complete insomnia

Anger

Shock

Nostalgia

Apathy (loss of interest)

Anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure)

Hatred

Headache

Feelings of loneliness

Feelings of hopelessness and despair

Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem

Medical or psychological illness (for example depression)

Suicidal thoughts

Nausea

Fatigue

Constant or frequent crying

A feeling of complete emptiness

In extreme cases, death

You Suck

You are so selfish and well I think you suck! I need some medication and Dr. Pepper but I don't have enough money. You need gas and we have to pay the storage bill but I asked if you could not fill up today so you could get my meds and dr pepper and you said no that you had to do it today! You are just simply ridiculous and I am not gonan do it!

How can I be happy when I feel so sad?

The following answer is what I think my mother would say if I asked her this question.




Numbing your heart only makes it harder to feel and enjoy the joyous moments when they come into your life, it makes it harder to truly love yourself and others fully and receive that love in return and most of all my darling – it doesn’t stop you from feeling the hurt. Because no matter how hard you try to feel numb – it is only by carrying that pain around that you can harden yourself against it.

I see you continually reminding yourself of your past disappointments and hurts in order to ‘not feel’ and to do that you must keep remembering to guard your heart against them, this is not letting go of them this is carrying around an ever growing pack of hurt that gets heavier and heavier every day. Sweetheart, it’s time to put it down.

This isn’t who you are. The child I remember you to be is full of life, intelligence and most of all loving and compassionate with such depth of being and empathy, that I know this is one of the reasons you have tried to mask your feelings. I have to say my lovely daughter it is time to reclaim who you really are, the real you is there hiding and I still see glimpses of her in the way you look at your beautiful son.

Do you truly believe you will hurt any less if the worst happens? Please give your tired heart a break, allow it to fully acknowledge and enjoy the joyous moments for they are the moments that heal you and your heart. It is in the healing that resilience develops and grows. Every time you allow yourself to feel fully the moment you are in whether grievous or joyous your heart becomes stronger and more flexible and is able to carry you through the tough times and elevate you to heights unexpected in the happy times.

Be strong enough to be vulnerable and you will find your life so much more worth living in-joy your joy fully, ecstatically without worry of what the future might or might not hold. Why borrow trouble when it is not a sure thing? Allow yourself to feel the moments as they pass and they do pass. Take a leaf from the book of childhood, children cry, laugh, whine, wonder, get angry, excited, disappointed, ecstatic.. All in the space of a moment and herein lays the strength of your inner child – trust your inner child to carry you through by allowing it to acknowledge the moments of your life fully and let them go.

This is the secret to being happy my darling, to fully feel each moment and then let it go.

Make a promise to yourself to feel the joy in each moment, in the little things, and to allow it to lift you up to where you can handle the rest of your life. Feel grateful for each moment for they bring on the next and please. Now is the time to create happy memories you have been blessed in this moment with and those memories will be there in the future no matter what. I believe you will be sharing those moments with your son when he is not so little and you will enjoy the moment when you can share the memories with him – make them happy ones and be grateful for the time that has been given to you to expand your heart.

I want to ask you too, what will you want to teach your son about life, joy and love will you teach him to live fully in every moment? I know you will, to do this well you will need to be a person who lives fully in every moment – be the role model your son will need you to be show him that life joyous in the adventure of being alive!

Remember joy is a moment-to-moment choice – make the choice to make joy and gratitude your focus and I promise your life will change completely from the very moment you make that choice.

And remember I love you and are eternally grateful for each joyous moment I have had you in my life.

sad sad sad

Today we sat in the same room and I bet we didn’t say 50 words to each other all day! I don’t know what needs to be done at this point. I suggested counseling and he turned it down. Obviously we have some issues and well I know that we can’t work through them on our own. I am a fan of counseling but he says he doesn’t have to talk to anybody. Well, something has to be done because I cannot continue to be unhappy! I am not blaming all of my unhappiness on him because I know that the majority of it is me but, I feel if I have him back in my corner loving, caring and helping me I could overcome the rest of my issues. As of right now I feel so alone even when I am in a room of lots of people my heart aches constantly and I my mind drifts off and begins to think of crazy things.

I need to get better for my son. He needs a mother who is not sad and it isn’t fair to him and that makes me sad! I can’t do this alone. I can’t! I am alone with how I feel and I have no one to talk to because everyone has an opinion or should I say they can’t be impartial.

Obviously my medication is not working because I am not feeling better in fact I think I am worse than before. So, the plan is to see my doctor and get off of the meds and find someone to talk to.

It is not just me!

I wanna die but I swear the only I mean the only reason I don't is because of that little boy! I love him more than anything in this world and Michael is threatening to take him away! He said if we divorce I will never get to see Brody ever and I will have to pay child support! It scares me because Michael knows a lot of attorneys and judges in this town and I don’t think I would be treated fairly!

The question is …….. Do I want to stay married to Michael? I don’t know at this point! I think that he sees all of the problems in our marriage are my fault and I will accept the problems that I have made in the marriage but he is not so innocent! Like I said in the previous blog I have a lot of resentment and anger towards him and well I don’t know how to deal with it! I don’t know how to deal with anything anymore! He thinks that I should go to counseling but we shouldn’t! I think that if he wanted this marriage to work he would do whatever it takes! If he wants me to change some things I think that he should also be big enough to accept mistakes that he has made and quit putting the blame all on me and he should be willing to go with me to talk to someone about our marriage!

Stop

I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me that I am worthless and basically there is no point on me living! I am so sick of everyone pointing out my flaws but they seem to think that they are perfect! I seriously can't take it anymore! So, mom starts talking crap to me about how I am doing wrong and how Brody needs his mother back and I said I was here and she said yeah that is all you are is here! Just a few months ago she sat here and watched Michael actually physcially hit me and did nothing but she seems to think that she can point out to me what i am doing wrong in the marriage but she sure as hell didn't say one word to Michael! I am tired of getting beat down everyday! Right now I am fighting the urge to go a cut myself. I can't stop thinking about it and i have so much pain that I just want to feel ok even if it is a brief second!

I am breathing and trying to get my mind of the cutting and I am not going to but, it still is there in my head and my heart hurts so bad!

These times.. there making us crazy... don’t give up on me baby!

Wow, I am just sitting here thinking how we ended up in this situation doing things out of frustration.  I need him and it’s like he doesn’t have time to deal with me.  I don’t even know how we got in this mess and I wonder if it is God’s test. I know people see us struggling but no one offers to help and we try to do our best but I am not sure if our best is good enough anymore.  How are we gonna make it work when hurts and we try to pick ourselves up but we can’t.  I think that we are both out of strength and the desire to try to fix this.  The longer things are left unsaid the harder it is going to be to put it back together. 

My mother has always tried to instill in me the fact that I am not a quitter and I will do whatever I am doing to the best of my abilities but I guess my mom didn’t factor in the fact that something has taken over my life and I am no longer the person I used to be.  Do I think that this depression is affecting our marriage?  Yes it most certainly does but no one understands what I go through on a daily basis. I am sad and I have an ache in my chest that will not go away.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and that is sad!

Do I think it is hard to live with me and be married to me at this point?  Yes I do but, I need him and he just doesn’t care.  So, what do we do when we have lost the will to fight? I am not sure.  I am at the point where I don’t even want to be in the same room with him just because there is so much tension.  Other people notice it and it makes them uncomfortable. He puts me down on a daily basis and it makes it that much harder to regain the strength and desire to do anything let alone fight for something that I am not sure we even want.   I don’t know how he feels because he communicates with me.  He absolutely refuses to talk to me about anything serious so, we leave things left unsaid and the problem just continues to get bigger and bigger. This is not for lack of trying on my part because I don’t have a problem talking though something but I have even stopped because what is the point when the other person is not listening or bails out of the conversation a few words in.  I am not sure if I can continue down this road that is never going to change.  

I think I have done a lot of sacrificing to make the marriage work and as a result I am left with bitterness and resentfulness. I don’t think it is fair that I am the only one putting any effort into our marriage so I have stopped and well he sure hasn’t changed.

So, the question is …. Can we save the marriage at this point? I don’t know! I know how I feel and it is not that great! I am sure that he has lots of feelings towards me but I wouldn’t know.


Now I am trying to figure out when it began to fall apart and I guess you could say that it began day 1 of our marriage and well 7 ½ years later. Life has not made it easier for sure. I think that he and I both have lost respect for each other and it is just so hard.


We made some bad decisions before we got married that is still affecting us to this day.  We both had decent jobs and good credit scores so, WE CHARGED IT!  If we wanted something we got it and didn’t think twice about it.  We charged a lot of our wedding and it has put such a strain on our marriage that we have had money problems from the beginning because shortly after we were married I lost my job.  I soon found a job but I was getting paid a lot less.  Then winter came and well his job depended on the weather and well if he didn’t work he didn’t get paid so, guess what … we stopped paying on our credit card bills and then soon we were buried in so much debt that we couldn’t overcome it.  So, we made the decision to move in with his parents.  That decision was a huge decision that affected me in so many negative ways.  I have a lot of resentment because of that one decision.  We were supposed to live there a short time but that short time turned into 2 years of anxiety attacks and depression.  I found a great job prior to this and well he went through several. The plan when we moved in was that we were going to save money so we could pay off some debt and save money.  Well, that is not what happened and we are both to blame for this. 

My boss at the time new our situation and loaned us the money to pay off our debt and we paid him every month.  I had also been in a car accident so I was getting a settlement and we paid him off when that happened.  So, things are looking good for a while we move out of the basement and into an apartment with my sister and her boyfriend.  They moved out soon and well we managed to continue to pay the bills and really have a decent life.  He found a job that he loved that paid great with benefits and I loved my job and it paid great so; we decided that it was time to have a child.  We had been married almost 4 years and it was time.  So, we got pregnant and we still managed to be ok and we got what we needed for the baby and things were good.  Well, shortly after I returned form maternity leave he was fired.  It was an awful time in his life and it really affected his self-esteem and it was just a bad deal over all.  So, I did what I knew how to do I lifted him up and tried to comfort him and well I helped any way I could.  I would spend hours filling out applications for him and I did my part in helping him find a job!  I also worked a 2^nd job.  I was working about 60hrs a week and I had a 3 month old baby at home. He is a great father and he is totally hands on with our son and he took up the role of being a stay at home dad for the short time.  He finally found a job after 6 months but it was only par time so I kept my 2 jobs. He later found another part time job and then that led to full time with excellent benefits.  After I had our son I dealt with ppd and well let’s just say I haven’t been the same since.  I built up a lot of anger and resentment towards him because I had to work 2 jobs and he got to be at home with our son. We had money problems during this time and had to rely on his parents for a lot of money.  Well, at some point I quit my second job and things were ok for a little bit.  Things changed at work and I was put under a lot of pressure to sell and we had to sell so much and it just became too much for me to handle and in Feb of 2010 I had a break down. I was put in the psyche ward for several days! These days were the worst days of my life and well nothing changed my depression didn’t get better it actually became worse it cause my body to become so weak that I was always sick and well I was unable to go to work so I lost my job.  We tried to manage for a couple of months but I fell deeper and deeper into this sadness and we were forced to move in with my parents.  I tried to work at several different places but it never worked out my anxiety and depression overcame my life.  We have been at my parents for a year now and it is awful.  He has some issues with me and he is just mean to me all the time and life I said it really doesn’t help when you put down someone who is already down.  I am so sad that I just want to give up on life and well the only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful child!  We no longer sleep in the same bed and we don’t talk unless he is yelling at me and a lot of times when I talk to him I am not nice.  We both have some things that we are holding onto that are affecting our marriage and now I don’t even know if it should be saved.  He has changed and I have changed and we are not the same people that got married on March 27^th 2004.       
 

 
So, here we are September 2011 living with my parents and we have no money and can’t pay the bills that we do have. I can’t overcome this depression and it is holding me back. What happened to those people who loved each other and couldn’t get enough of each other? What happened to the girl who used to cry when he had to leave to go home when we were dating? What happened to the girl who couldn’t stand it if he was mad? What happened to the boy that would do anything for the girl? It is just not the same and it is sad.




I know these circumstances and how life goes changes people but I we need to figure it out because I don’t want to continue if we are never going to be able to love like we once did. We may shed tears and we may get hurt but it has to be done.

I just want to give up!

"Nobody said it was easy but, nobody said it was this hard!'

I have a constant ache in my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I try so hard to pretend that I am ok but I am not..... I am soooooo far from being ok! Nothing makes me happy and I just want to avoid the world in general but they won't let me! I can’t snap out of it! I am living in a dark hole and I can't climb out! I can't even remember the last time I didn't feel like this. I am gone and I am afraid that I may never come back! I am falling deeper and deeper and no one is trying to pull me back up! I am so sure that everyone is tired of me and thinks that I am making excuses but they don't know how I feel and how hard it is to escape the pain.

I try so hard to feel better and I try to do things for other people just so I can get a thank you or you are great or just anything positive because I feel like I am around nothing but negative and I know I don't make it easy but when I am being difficult that is when I need you to love me the most!

I have lost my desire to do anything that I once loved and I just want to give up

Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about the shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are meant to shine as children do. We were born to manifest the glory God that is whithin us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

It is your turn!

I feel like I get beat down constantly! I never do anything right! When I do something it is never good enough! I am just so over it I just want to give up! I don't understand how someone can assume that they know how long it takes me to get my job done because they don't! I don't go to his work and tell him that he should have had this and that done and it is taking him entirely to long to do it! He has know idea how long it takes to look at every single picture and decide which is the best and then edit the good ones! When i do a wedding I have to at least look at over a thousand pictures and compare them to the other pictures that are pretty much the same to make sure the custome is getting the best of what we have! He doesn't know because he doesn't do it. He doesn't know how time consuming it is to try to figure out the best way to edit a picture because of the things he did while taking them! The next wedding we do I am going to be the lead photographer and he can edit all those damn pictures!

Done!

Apparently it is ok to treat me like shit as long as your name is Michael. Your mom can watch him abuse me physically and talk to me however he wants but if I try to defend myself or even talk to him . I am in the wrong. I am so tired of living b/c I am worthless. I don't do anything so, I have no reason to live. In fact everyone would probably be better off without me. So, I might just do it. I could take some pills and just go to sleep and never wake up and not have to deal with him or mom or even try to be a good sister and try to do the right thing b/c nothing I do is right! I am not even a good mother according to everyone so, maybe B will be better off he has a new mom! My heart is broken b/c I am not loved and and I just want to be loved Fuck'em all! I'm out!

Perception!

Isn't if funny how we perceive ourselves.  I mean when we look in the mirror we automatically judge ourselves. It is horrible torture what our minds put us through just on body image alone.

I remember being in Jr High barely weighing 115lbs thinking I was fat.  I never thought I was pretty enough or skinny enough.  I remember sitting in class during the summer and I wouldn't put my feet flat on the floor because it made my legs look bigger. Um, didn't realize that it happened to everyone.  I did grow up a little and realized that I actually was HOT!!!!!! That was short lived!  During High School I played sports all year round so I was very very active.  When I went to college I started gaining weight but I was like I sitll look ok.   A year after I got married I had gained over 60lbs ... I was also on a lot of medication that makes you gain weight and I still am.   I manged to lose 50lbs and I maintained that until I got pregnant.  I weigh the same now as I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  Brody is almost 3! When I was young I used to look in the mirror and think I was fat and then I saw pictures and thought O, I'm not that fat!  Now, I look in the mirror and say O. I'm not that fat! When I see pictures it I am like you are so freaking fat!  Our minds are tricky and I don't like it!

I will cry if I want to

Well, I just turned 30 this past Wednesday and it was probably the worst day I have had in a long time!  I should have expected it because I cry every birthday! I cried and cried all day and it wasn' t because I was turned 30.  I just cried!

Grey Skies

I feel completely defeated! I feel overwhelmed! No One understands my depression and my sadness. I feel alone and lost in a world that is moving at such a fast pace. I struggle everyday to even get out of bed and face the day. A new day scares me! I can't sleep at night because I know I will eventually have to wake up. My anxiety becomes so overwhelming and I want to completely shut down! I just wish they understood how I feel because it hurts so bad. I have an internal struggle daily! I just want to escape the pain!



When you have depression, it's more than feeling sad.......It is intense feelings of sadness and other symptoms, like losing interest in things you enjoy, may last for a while. Depression is a medical illness, not a sign of weakness.


Depression is deep, depression is the deepest kind of sadness, a feeling that is always living in me. Depression is emptiness, something you always feel with depression, like you have nothing left of yourself, everything about you is empty. Depression is pain, the worst physical and emotional pain there is.


I blamed myself for all of my mistakes and misfortunes. I never thought lonliness could create such pain within me but it does.


I've slept and cried days away . Broken, lost, hurt, and angry have stuck to me for a long time. I wanted it to go away and this is was it. I haven't been a good person but I haven't been a bad person either. I have my regrets in this life and they will be with me forever


How bad I wanted to be something and all I end up is being a failure and a dissapointment in people's lives...

“If I actually do it?!?" “

“If I actually do it?!?" “Is that what you just said to me?" Wow, you are usually my biggest supporter! This is not the time to doubt my commitment. This is the time to be my biggest fan! Help me by pointing out the things I do right and not the things I do wrong. I AM my biggest critic! Do you not think I know when I am doing something wrong even before you do? I do overlook the good things and the right things. I overlook all the tiny things that make up the BIG picture! No matter how BIG or small that thing is I still need to be praised!



Blah…Blah…Blah! “I’m negative?!” “YES I AM” so; I don’t need you to be negative to! I’m not asking for much just stand beside me and be my rock! If I come to you complaining about how I didn’t exercise enough or I shouldn’t have ate that I need you to say things will be ok and I’ll get it right tomorrow! This is gonna be tough and I’m gonna wanna quit but DONT LET ME! Don’t allow me to stop believing in how I can meet my goal and how I will be much happier in the end. I need you to be firm but kind, uplifting but truthful! I just need you to be my strength!

Chocolate Brownie Blizzard

Well, it was almost dinner time and we began discussing our possibilities for dinner! Who would of thought that deciding what to eat was so difficult but it is something that turns into a big deal almost every meal! I say all this and it doesn’t really matter but as we were discussing what we were going to eat I began thinking that I could just eat some ice cream for dinner and I would be fine but I knew that Brody needed food and Michael wouldn’t exactly agree with me but, from that point I couldn’t stop thinking about ice cream not just any ice cream I wanted a Chocolate Brownie Blizzard from the Dairy Queen! Thus began the internal fight that I have with myself every time I think I want ice cream. I begin to almost savor it while I am thinking about it and then I say to myself “No, Lynsey, you don’t need it or even really want it!” and then I say to myself “O, but I do want that blizzard it will taste soooo good!” Ok so I go back and forth with myself about this for some time before I even mention it to my dear sweet husband! I ask him if he would like to go and get me a blizzard and he doesn’t really want to so, he tells me that he doesn’t have any money! So, of course I happen to have just enough cash to get my blizzard and little something for him! By this time it is after 9:00pm and they close at 10:00 and I say if you don’t want to go you don’t have to! At this point I don’t even think I really want the blizzard but I have been obsessing over it for almost 4 hours now so, I’m hinting to Michael that he doesn’t have to go but, being the wonderful husband that he is and he really thinks I want this blizzard he gets off the couch puts his shoes on goes out into the rain drives across town and back to give me my chocolate brownie blizzard and he gets nothing for himself so, I feel kind of bad especially since he didn’t get anything and because I didn’t really want it at this point! I eat it and it the 1st couple of bites are good and then I begin to force myself to eat the rest because these things are not cheap and I don’t want Michael to feel like I wasted money or his time and energy to get this for me so, I eat most of it! As soon as I’m down I began to feel this overwhelming since of guilt! I then I begin to have another internal conversation with myself “ Geez, Lynsey, it wasn’t even really that good and all those calories you just ate you probably gained 5lbs just from eating that!” and then I say to myself “ Ok, no more ice cream!” “Yeah I’ve heard that before!” All of this for a Chocolate Brownie Blizzard from the DQ!

Yes………No………….. Maybe So?

O, my poor husband I don’t know how many times I’ll point someone out and say “Am I as big as her?” Of course his answer is always no but sometimes I wonder if he is really telling me the truth! Obviously my perception is off on the way I look because I’ll look in the mirror and sometimes tell myself that I am not that fat but if I see a picture of myself it almost makes me want to throw up! How can the camera and mirror make me look totally different? I guess it’s the same way when I ask my momma if I am fat and she will tell me the truth and yes it does make me feel bad but IT’S THE TRUTH!


So, what would I rather be told YES you are fat or NO you’re not? I actually I shouldn’t even be asking that question because I know the answer and it doesn’t matter how other people see me! It only matters how I see myself and I see myself as a big ‘ole fatty and I don‘t like it!

I Have Decided to Do It!

Last night while I was lying wide awake in bed at 1 am I decided that I was going to lose the weight! I have been saying how much I need to lose weight for almost a year now and sometimes I really believe that I believe one day I will wake up and be skinny!!! I know this is funny but why else would I keep putting it off while I keep putting them on (pounds that is)! You see 2 years ago I had and excuse! At least I thought it was an acceptable excuse. I had just had a baby and well I made excuses that it was ok to be a little overweight well, a year ago I was 50 lbs lighter! Just think if I had started a year ago look what I would be doing today! I know I wouldn't be blogging about how I'M GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT! That's for dang sure! Not only had I just had a baby but, my husband lost his job about that time and it took him a little while to find another one so, I worked 2 jobs and for several months. The free time I did have I sure as hell didn't want to exercise! It was a lot more enjoyable to relax and EAT!!!! I kept telling myself I'll start when Brody gets a little older or I'll start when I am not so tired ... guess what the fatter you get the more tired you become! I look at skinnier woman especially ones that have babies the same age as mine and thank they are soooo freaking skinny (sometimes they are really skinny and sometimes they are average size)! It doesn't matter what size they are they ALL look better than me! I also look at plus size women and think to myself “O, that 'Big Girl' is cute!" Keep in mind I AM A BIG GIRL!



The weight has affected all points in my life!!! I am embarrassed to hang out with my "Skinny Friends" because of what they may think about me or when we are in public together other people are calling me the "Big Girl" I don't want to show affection to my husband in public because I think people are looking at us saying " Look at that Big Girl with that Skinny Guy". I won't take pictures anymore because I'm fat! My son is 2 1/2 and I probably have 25 pictures of me and him because I don't want to see the way I look! If you know me at all or knew me before you know how much I love pictures of myself! There was a brief time in my life that I was actually pretty happy with the way I looked! That was probably the day I graduated high school and shortly before I started dating Michael (the last time)! So, probably 3 years of my life I was happy with how I looked! By all means I was not fat in high school! I was very athletic! I played softball and basketball all through school so, I was exercising all year! Once that slowed down and I didn't change my eating habits my weight started creeping up! Even in high school I wasn't happy with the way I looked but what I wouldn't give to look like that now!

Ok, so most of my life I have had issues with my body but I am going to take control and be that once Skinny self confidant girl that I know lives inside me is dying to be seen!!!!

Shopping 101

I observed the other day when Michael and I went clothes shopping for our anniversary (7 years).  We went to Maurices 1st b/c that is my favorite store and I instantly knew if I was going to like something. I found quit a few things and took them to the dressing room ... some tops ...some pants! A lot of no's and some maybe's and 1 yes! This took me all of 30 minutes. Well it just so happened to be buy 1 get 1 half off so of course I had to get another. Now the maybes turned into no's b/c I didn't really need a pair of $90 blue jeans!  So, I opted for a tank top which you can never go wrong with.  Next we headed to Old Navy same thing happened there with me .... picked out some items tried them on and I was ready to go in less than 30.  Well, Michael was hem hawing around ( whatever that means) he was just kind of wondering around looking at the clothes over and over again. It's not like Old Navy had a massive selection of mens stuff but he just kept looking and looking finally after another 30 minutes we leave with NOTHING for him! So, I feel a little guilty b/c I got a top and tank at maurices.  A pair of khaki's and a pair of $15 jeans at Old Navy ( I am probably going to take those back). So we head over to belk its 8:15 and the store closes @ 9:00 so, I know we only have 45 minutes "whew"!  As soon as we walk in I see flip flops that I have to have. I pick'em up and find a seat in the mens section. Now stuff is always on sale @ Belk so I just know he is going to find something. OMG after 30 minutes of him going back and forth between one sales rack of polos to the other sales rack of polos I have to step in! I tell'em which ones I like and he picks the other.  We go to check out and he asks if I want a new purse.... "of course I want a new purse"! Within 5 minutes I knew the one I wanted but I didn't get it b/c I felt like I already got so much and Michael just got 2 polos.  I swear if you had seen us at Belk you would have thought I was the old man waiting on his wife to get finished shopping .... hilarious!

Bark at me!

The title of this blog really doesn't give you any clue as to what this post is about but I was at McDonald's the other day and a young man answered his phone and said "Bark at me!" So, I have taken on that saying when I answer the phone (when it is appropriate)! 
So, what's knew with Lynsey?  For Starters I got a JOB! I now work at Farmers Insurance. I swore when I worked at State Farm that I would never ever ever work for another insurance company but, here I am and I love it! Today was my 7th day and things are going great! When I went in for my interview I got really good vibes from the place and I knew that it was where I was supposed to be! It is still insurance and that is bittersweet but the people are great and it is a good place to work!  The insurance business is not a business that everyone can do! It takes a toll on you and well I needed a break from it but now I am back and ready to go! I don't dread going to work in the morning! I am having fun learning knew things about there company and trying to train my brain to think Farmers and not State Farm (i did work there for 6 years) I plan to stay where I am for a while but, you never know! 
We have been super busy with our photography company that it is making me crazy we are overbooking ourselves and now that I have a job that I work 9hrs a day I don't have a lot of time to edit pictures or spend time with my precious Brody boy! Michael and I decided that we are going to cut back.... I hate it but, It is something we have to do!  We still live with my parents but we won't for long! My anxiety and depression seem to be doing ok and I am at a good place! I haven't said that in a while!  

If you don't like who you are .... change!

I saw something on TV and it said the great thing about being a human is that we have the freedom to change our mind. If you don't like who you are or what you are doing today. There is always tomorrow and you can be anything you want to be! Easier said than done I think!

My Bestie!

What a wonderful person and friend she is! I knew that she was a wonderful person on one of or maybe the very 1st meeting.  I was having a birthday party and some people had to leave before I blew out the candles. Well, instead of my mom saying lets sing happy birthday so, we can give them some cake before they leave she just cut the cake and gave them pieces to go!  If you know me you know that I take my birthday pretty seriously. I became very upset! Now, I only knew Brandy because she was the girlfriend to one of my friends but, she saw that I was upset and just so

happened to have to have a cookie in her car. Well, because she is so  freaking smart and such a caring person she went out to her car and got the cookie put a candle in the middle so I could get my Happy Birthday!  That is when I realized she was special! Our friendship began to grow and it has become such a wonderful thing over the past 10 years! We don't talk everyday and we go months without seeing each other but that is what is so great about having a true friend it doesn't matter how long you go without talking or seeing each other you just fall back into your wonderful friendship. Life has been up and down for both of us and she is always there whenever I need her no matter what.  She is a once in a lifetime kind of friend!

Dr Pepper!

As soon as my husband got home from work he just had a bad attitude. He didn't really talk to me and when he did his answers were short.  We ran out of Dr. Pepper and I asked him to get some and he refused. Normally he would do this. So,  this was something I would normally ask of him but, when he refused it really pissed me off and I began nag him and whine about getting the Dr. Pepper! He still refused! So, this turned into a huge fight and I decided that I would just go get the Dr. Pepper well, I didn't have any money so I asked him for some and he was already pissed off he refused to give me the money so, that escalated the fight.  During this fight I got a little piece of the real problem .... which is he doesn't think that I do enough during the day. So, I ask him what am I supposed to be doing and his answer was I DON'T KNOW!  Well, he is mad because I am not doing something that he doesn't even know what I am supposed to be doing. MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!  I beg him to talk to me but he just leaves and doesn't speak to me the rest of the night!

A Letter to Brody!

I never knew I could love someone as much as I love you! The moment I found out I was pregnant I began to anticipate who you would look like, what kind of personality you would have and wondering If I was gonna be a good mother! I know I'll make probably make mistakes along the way but I want you to know that you are my everything, my world, my heart. I will do whatever it takes to make your life as wonderful as it can be. From the day you were born I could tell that you were smart. You would observe everything around as if you were saying " OK, world here I am!" You held your head up early, you could hold your own bottle early and you were determined to walk sooner than later! And you did! At 8 months old you could go anywhere you wanted to go! Mr. Independent is what you are! I pray that you keep your determination that you had from day one and you go through life making things happen for yourself.  Know that daddy and I love you more than anything and we will do whatever we can to help you achieve your dreams.!  You are such a happy baby boy! Everything you do makes me smile! I love the way you point with your thumb and the way you start dancing anytime there is music on!  You are also fearless! At only 12 months old you climbed up a slide ( all on your own) and when you got to the top you turned around, slid back down just to do it all over again! I can tell that whatever you decide to do and you give it your all .... you will succeed! BRODY ZANE RIMA YOU WILL DO GREAT THINGS!

" You are a promise... You are a possibility ... You are a promise with the capital P! You are a great big bundle of potentiality ... and if you listen .. you can hear GOD's voice ... and if you are trying you can make the right choice ... You are a promise to be anything GOD wants you to be!

What If......

* What if I didn't sneak out of the movies that Friday night when I was 13 and got caught? Would I have gotten to speak to my papa before he died a few days later?

* What if my mom had listened to the doctors and took my little sister off of life support shortly after she was born because they said she would be brain damaged if she even made it. (BTW my sister is 25 and she is perfectly healthy)?

* What if my parents never reconciled after their divorce when I was young?

* What if I stayed with and eventually married my High School Sweet heart?

* What if I never moved to Hot Springs?

* What if I had been more responsible and stayed in college?

* What if I never wished upon that shooting star that night in October?

* What if I decided not to go to Lakeshore Heights Baptist Church?

             If these things never happened I wouldn't be where I am today. Blessed that I got to talk to my papa and hear him say I love you Lynney Pooper one last time.  If my mom had listened to the Doctors I wouldn't have the great blessing to be Lesley's big sister. If my parents never remarried I would not have either of my sisters and I am sure my life would be completely different.  If I married my high school sweetheart I would probably be unhappy and definitely not with the love of my life.  If I never moved to Hot Springs I wouldn't have made so many wonderful friends that love me unconditionally. If I had stayed in school I would be more financial stable and have a job. If I hadn't wished upon that star I wouldn't have got my wish and it would have taken me longer to realize that it's not about being with the boy that everyone wants.  If I had never attended Lakeshore Heights Baptist Church I wouldn't have met my soul mate, my truly wonderfully amazing husband who loves me more than I can fathom and we wouldn't have a precious son who is going to do great things.

            I am glad all those things happened because I wouldn't be the Lynsey that I am today truly blessed with wonderful family and friends!

I'm Sorry!!!!!!!

To me apologies are important and I find myself apologizing a lot. Does that make me a bad person? No! I thinks it makes me a pretty good person. I am willing to admit when I have made a mistake and I often do it quickly. I can't stand for someone to be mad so, I want to fix it immediately. Well other people in the world apparently DO NOT think like I do.  I have people in my life that will NEVER admit fault. Others only admit it when I bring it to there attention which I don't think that is sincere and I feel like they just say it so I will shut up. Other people don't even want to talk to you to accept your apology. That hurts when you put yourself out there and they refuse to listen to anything you have to say. If someone is willing to recognize a mistake the other person should not be disrespectful and refuse it. Let's humble ourselves and be able to give an apology when it is needed and accept it when one is trying to be given!

It's just 2 Words!

Thank you, Is that so hard?  I am a big thank you person I say thank you a million times a day. As a result my son says thank you all the time. I believe it is just common courtesy to thank someone who deserves it.  For instance someone who opens the door for you or your waiter at a restaurant. I thank them constantly through out a meal. I thank my husband all the time for all the wonderful things that he does!  You should just thank people for being kind and for doing something for you.  I don't know anyone who hates getting thanked for something.   So, go out and thank someone who has done a kind gesture or made your life a little easier.

I don't think I'm in Kansas anymore.

I am currently in a living situation that sucks and my home that I had with my husband was my "Kansas" and I am very far away from there.  How would you describe the place I live?  Well, for starters there are 7 people living in 1 house and it's not very big! I have explained in a previous blog why I am here so, I won't get into that but, I am here with Michael and Brody. My family as our own issues that we have to deal with not to mention the other peoples problems in this house so, you can imagine how stressful it is! I live with my Mom, Dad and Grandma who have lived together for like 17 years so, they have there own way of living and routines and then there is my Aunt who as her own way of doing things so, bringing all those people together will cause problems. I also believe that 4 out of 7 people in this house are legally crazy. We live in fear of someone setting someone off and then everything turns into WWIII. This is not any place to live if you are a sane person but it is surely not a good place if you are crazy!

F Bombs

Everyone has a vice or two and one of mine happens to be cursing.  This is something I try to be conscious of and stop but I drop F bombs left and right not mention all the other words out there. My husband also has this vice so the two of us together don't help each other so, my goal for 2011 is to stop cursing and especially dropping those F BOMBS!

Decisions! Decisions!

" You make decisions and they turn around and make you." Unknown

Life is filled with us having to make decision after decision. Sometimes I feel like it is one big guessing game. Do you want what is behind door #1 or door #2 you can't see what is behind those doors but you are forced to make a decision.   So, what happens if you pick the wrong door? Well, you end up having to pay the consequences or you don't get the bigger prize.  That sucks because we all  want to make the right decision but you don't know if its right until you have already chosen!  It doesn't matter what point you are in your life it is all based on decisions. The decision you make today could have a major affect on the rest of your life. So, don't dwell on the small decisions but do take some time on major decisions and think how could this affect the rest of my life because every decision you make does have an affect on you or maybe even someone else! So, lets think!