Wow, I am just sitting here thinking how we ended up in this situation doing things out of frustration. I need him and it’s like he doesn’t have time to deal with me. I don’t even know how we got in this mess and I wonder if it is God’s test. I know people see us struggling but no one offers to help and we try to do our best but I am not sure if our best is good enough anymore. How are we gonna make it work when hurts and we try to pick ourselves up but we can’t. I think that we are both out of strength and the desire to try to fix this. The longer things are left unsaid the harder it is going to be to put it back together.
My mother has always tried to instill in me the fact that I am not a quitter and I will do whatever I am doing to the best of my abilities but I guess my mom didn’t factor in the fact that something has taken over my life and I am no longer the person I used to be. Do I think that this depression is affecting our marriage? Yes it most certainly does but no one understands what I go through on a daily basis. I am sad and I have an ache in my chest that will not go away. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and that is sad!
Do I think it is hard to live with me and be married to me at this point? Yes I do but, I need him and he just doesn’t care. So, what do we do when we have lost the will to fight? I am not sure. I am at the point where I don’t even want to be in the same room with him just because there is so much tension. Other people notice it and it makes them uncomfortable. He puts me down on a daily basis and it makes it that much harder to regain the strength and desire to do anything let alone fight for something that I am not sure we even want. I don’t know how he feels because he communicates with me. He absolutely refuses to talk to me about anything serious so, we leave things left unsaid and the problem just continues to get bigger and bigger. This is not for lack of trying on my part because I don’t have a problem talking though something but I have even stopped because what is the point when the other person is not listening or bails out of the conversation a few words in. I am not sure if I can continue down this road that is never going to change.
I think I have done a lot of sacrificing to make the marriage work and as a result I am left with bitterness and resentfulness. I don’t think it is fair that I am the only one putting any effort into our marriage so I have stopped and well he sure hasn’t changed.
So, the question is …. Can we save the marriage at this point? I don’t know! I know how I feel and it is not that great! I am sure that he has lots of feelings towards me but I wouldn’t know.
Now I am trying to figure out when it began to fall apart and I guess you could say that it began day 1 of our marriage and well 7 ½ years later. Life has not made it easier for sure. I think that he and I both have lost respect for each other and it is just so hard.
We made some bad decisions before we got married that is still affecting us to this day. We both had decent jobs and good credit scores so, WE CHARGED IT! If we wanted something we got it and didn’t think twice about it. We charged a lot of our wedding and it has put such a strain on our marriage that we have had money problems from the beginning because shortly after we were married I lost my job. I soon found a job but I was getting paid a lot less. Then winter came and well his job depended on the weather and well if he didn’t work he didn’t get paid so, guess what … we stopped paying on our credit card bills and then soon we were buried in so much debt that we couldn’t overcome it. So, we made the decision to move in with his parents. That decision was a huge decision that affected me in so many negative ways. I have a lot of resentment because of that one decision. We were supposed to live there a short time but that short time turned into 2 years of anxiety attacks and depression. I found a great job prior to this and well he went through several. The plan when we moved in was that we were going to save money so we could pay off some debt and save money. Well, that is not what happened and we are both to blame for this.
My boss at the time new our situation and loaned us the money to pay off our debt and we paid him every month. I had also been in a car accident so I was getting a settlement and we paid him off when that happened. So, things are looking good for a while we move out of the basement and into an apartment with my sister and her boyfriend. They moved out soon and well we managed to continue to pay the bills and really have a decent life. He found a job that he loved that paid great with benefits and I loved my job and it paid great so; we decided that it was time to have a child. We had been married almost 4 years and it was time. So, we got pregnant and we still managed to be ok and we got what we needed for the baby and things were good. Well, shortly after I returned form maternity leave he was fired. It was an awful time in his life and it really affected his self-esteem and it was just a bad deal over all. So, I did what I knew how to do I lifted him up and tried to comfort him and well I helped any way I could. I would spend hours filling out applications for him and I did my part in helping him find a job! I also worked a 2nd job. I was working about 60hrs a week and I had a 3 month old baby at home. He is a great father and he is totally hands on with our son and he took up the role of being a stay at home dad for the short time. He finally found a job after 6 months but it was only par time so I kept my 2 jobs. He later found another part time job and then that led to full time with excellent benefits. After I had our son I dealt with ppd and well let’s just say I haven’t been the same since. I built up a lot of anger and resentment towards him because I had to work 2 jobs and he got to be at home with our son. We had money problems during this time and had to rely on his parents for a lot of money. Well, at some point I quit my second job and things were ok for a little bit. Things changed at work and I was put under a lot of pressure to sell and we had to sell so much and it just became too much for me to handle and in Feb of 2010 I had a break down. I was put in the psyche ward for several days! These days were the worst days of my life and well nothing changed my depression didn’t get better it actually became worse it cause my body to become so weak that I was always sick and well I was unable to go to work so I lost my job. We tried to manage for a couple of months but I fell deeper and deeper into this sadness and we were forced to move in with my parents. I tried to work at several different places but it never worked out my anxiety and depression overcame my life. We have been at my parents for a year now and it is awful. He has some issues with me and he is just mean to me all the time and life I said it really doesn’t help when you put down someone who is already down. I am so sad that I just want to give up on life and well the only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful child! We no longer sleep in the same bed and we don’t talk unless he is yelling at me and a lot of times when I talk to him I am not nice. We both have some things that we are holding onto that are affecting our marriage and now I don’t even know if it should be saved. He has changed and I have changed and we are not the same people that got married on March 27th 2004.
So, here we are September 2011 living with my parents and we have no money and can’t pay the bills that we do have. I can’t overcome this depression and it is holding me back. What happened to those people who loved each other and couldn’t get enough of each other? What happened to the girl who used to cry when he had to leave to go home when we were dating? What happened to the girl who couldn’t stand it if he was mad? What happened to the boy that would do anything for the girl? It is just not the same and it is sad.
I know these circumstances and how life goes changes people but I we need to figure it out because I don’t want to continue if we are never going to be able to love like we once did. We may shed tears and we may get hurt but it has to be done.
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