Year 2011 Overview

Cancer

Just when you thought that life couldn't possibly throw any more twists or turns along life's once tedious path, along comes the unpredictable but exhilarating energy of 2011 (operative word being 'exhilarating'). Partnerships continue to confront you with your deepest needs and fears but your career shows incredible promise and renewal. You receive the lucky touch of Jupiter from January to June. Expect major expansion and recognition on all fronts.

Promotions, opportunities to expand your social world and work-related travel are all potential gifts when the wheel of fortune spins in your favor for the first half of the year. The second half of 2011 brings a spectacular slew of new friends, alliances and networking opportunities when Jupiter moves into your house of dreams, goals and community. Venus showers you with extra doses of love and cash for the month of July, just in time for your birthday. And Mars brings the action, energy and work in August and early September.

Get ready to jet set this spring and/or summer when the planet of glamour enters your long-distance travel sector this April. Your homebody instincts give way to the lure of travel and adventure in 2011. Fall and winter bring the return of dreamy Neptune to your sector of transformation for one last jaunt between August and 2012. 

Aquarius

 A series of breakthroughs in consciousness happen for you in 2011. Slowing down those genius synapses may not be an option, but with so much mental exuberance, why would you want it to stop? Imagine the onslaught of six planets all occupying the mental sector of your horoscope at the same time. And the fact that the planets will be in Aries -- one of the feistiest, go-getter signs of them all -- only adds fuel to the fire. A sense of urgency dominates the scene. You won't put off tomorrow what you can do today. Could the planets possibly be any more conducive to productivity?

Of course sleep could be an issue in that case, but you'll have so much energy you won't even notice the deprivation. If you're a writer, this is by far your most prolific year. Words easily just spill right onto the page. Regardless of your chosen profession, you'll have your hands full with communication and correspondence. You're learning all about the power and pleasures of the mind with daily life becoming a thrilling education itself.

Another keynote of 2011 is a radically spiritualized approach to money and possessions. Don't be surprised if you're suddenly inspired to give it all away just to tap into the lightness of being. Any residual materialistic tendencies seem to lose their importance once Neptune takes up residence in your money sector this year. You'll be inundated by Neptune's compassionate and empathic teachings over the next 14 years. You'll feel more for those who have not and may even devote more of your time and energy to helping those in need.

Better Life

We ain't got much now, We're just startin' out
But I know somehow paradise is comin'

Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life

Oh now there's a place for you and me
Where we can dream as big as the sky
I know it's hard to see it now
But baby someday we're gonna fly
This road we're on, you know it might be long
But my faith is strong
It's all that really matters

Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life

So hold on, hold on
C'mon baby, hold on

Yeah, we're gonna have it all
And ooh

Someday baby, You and I are gonna be the ones
Good luck's gonna shine
Someday baby you and I are gonna be the ones
So hold on
We're headed for a better life

5 Low Lights of 2010

1.  I was admitted to the Psyche Ward 

2.  I lost my job

3.  I moved into a travel trailer in my parents yard

4.  My 4 Runner was re-possessed

5.  I am the heaviest I have ever been

I am so ready for this year to be over and for 2011 be the total opposite of 2010! 

Are you talking to me?

Commercial After Commercial all you hear is ........... 
Hydroxycut - I lost 25lbs I lost 17lbs I lost 32lbs in only 6 weeks.  Jenny Craig - I lost 4 paint sizes in 4 weeks! BLAH! BLAH! BLAH! 

           Saturday while I was at the mall a random lady came up to me and said " O, you look so cute! When are you do?" I was shocked but was able to come up with an answer. I said  "April"  I felt so horrible because GUESS WHAT I'M NOT PREGNANT! 
           I mean I know I'm fat but Geez the nerve of some people! I know I need to lose weight but I just can't seem to get motivated but, what's it gonna take for me to get off my ASS!

Depression Hurts!

When someone in the family is depressed, the whole family is affected. Depression is a silent disease that sucks the energy and joy out of a person's life. If is very difficult for one has not experienced depression to understand its significance. Depending on the type and degree of depression the individual may have to live with their illness their entire life. Depression must be accepted as an illness and not a lousy character trait. 

What are the signs and symptoms of depression?

Symptoms include:

• Persistent sad, anxious or "empty" feelings
• Feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness and/or helplessness
• Irritability, restlessness
• Loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex
• Fatigue and decreased energy
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering details and making decisions
• Insomnia, early–morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping
• Overeating, or appetite loss
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

The Repo Man

Well,  Monday morning 12-6-10 @ 6am Michael and I woke up to beating on our trailer door! My heart stopped I began to think the worst! I heard my dad telling Michael that someone was here to pick up the 4Runner ...... FUCK! That's all I could think! We had made the payments and were caught up so, I had know idea that this was even going to happen! So, us being the nice people that we are didn't give the repo man any problems and just let him take my baby!  So, then I called my bank that my loan is through and they said the reason it was towed was because I owed $75 in late fees are you freaking kidding me! So, It wound up costing us $1140 to get my car back! BULLSHIT!  When are things going to get better?

If only the answer was yes!

     I am 29! I have been married for 6 years! I have a 2 year old son! I live in a travel trailer in my parents front yard! I don't have a job! We have NO money! We owe A LOT of money! I am sad! I feel worthless! I am not the Lynsey I used to be! What would make me happy? I don't know is the answer. Nothing makes me happy!  I will have little glimpses of happiness when Brody does something sweet or cute but they fade quickly! For the most part I am just sad. I have felt this ache in my heart for so long I don't even remember being happy! 

     I feel like I am locked in a room and the walls are closing in! I am suffocating and I am broken into a million pieces!  My heart is heavy and it aches constantly!  I feel empty and without meaning. If I didn't exist nothing in the world would change. It would be the same with or without me! 

     Can I runaway and start over again? Can I be anyone else but me? Can I go back in time and change my life? If only the answer was yes! 

Stand Still, Look Pretty

I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself


But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start

You might think it's easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking

In the middle of the night

And then it hits me and I can't

Even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time

And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths

I'm not strong enough to deal with it

Decisions... Decisions!

Well, I was offered a job today that seemed to be great! The money that could be made was something that I never would dream that I would be able to make but, it was one of those jobs that becomes your life! They wanted me to work 6 per week including nights! I thought about it, prayed about it and talked about it and ultimately came up with the decision to decline the job offer! I  hope this is not one of those decisions that I look back on in a couple of months or a couple of years and think that I should of taken it!

I love my Husband

I love my husband more than you will ever know! He is a wonderful man, father, friend, son & uncle!  Everyone that knows him would not disagree that he is an awesome person! I get a lot of crap because people don't think that I realize how lucky I am but, I do! I know that NO ONE could love me more and unconditionally then the way my husband does. Here lately I have been feeling a disconnect between us and it could be a number of reasons. I want to go back to when we made each other feel special and loved just because. We get so wrapped up in the day to day things and the arguing of petty things that it interferes with showing each other how much we mean to each other.  My mother in law just said the other day that "Michael used to open the door for me every time we got into the car but she noticed that he doesn't do that it anymore."  I wonder why did he stop! I said it took to long and I didn't want to wait but in reality I don't think that is it at all! To tell you the truth it just ended! Don't get me wrong that isn't a major deal but just an example of how life can get the best of your relationship and take away the special things!

Friends

Everyone has friends but do they really!! These friends in your life all serve a different purpose some are your true friends and some are just well not really your friends so, why do we even call them friends? Why do we continue to keep them in your lives? Why do we continue to listen to the bullshit and the lies? Why? I am not really sure because it aggravates me beyond belief! I want people around me that love me unconditionally and call me on my shit and can handle it when I call them on theirs because that's what real friends do!

Please and Thank You!

    It's been along time but tonight or should I say early this morning thoughts are running through my head!  You see I got into a fight with my sister again! I say again because I feel like we are always fighting about the same thing. The fight may be about something different but it is all about the same thing! They are always about how she does not appreciate me!!!! After I typed those words I had to stop because it hurts so bad to not be appreciated and its not that I don't deserve it because I do I really really do! I just don't understand why she will not ever say thank you to me, ever! It hurts me more than you will ever know! To continue to do things for someone who you believe really does appreciate but just won't acknowledge it and I am not sure if I can do it anymore! I consider myself to be a great sister! I can be mean at times but my sisters can too! I would be so grateful if my sisters did half the things that I did for them and all I am asking for is a freaking thank you every now and then!

I feel like I am trapped in a reality that is not my own!

I feel like this is not how my life is supposed to be!  I am overcome with thoughts ... random thoughts ... thoughts that consume me .... thoughts that confuse me .... thoughts that convince me that this life I am living is not real! And then Snap I wake up and realize that this is my life and this life I am living is what it is! I often think if I could go back in time .. I would do this or I would do that but we are not given that option. I know I can still make a change in my life for the better but I am terrified that I will be making the wrong decision. 

I am scared to make a decision because what if I make the wrong one then how much more will we have to suffer.  I am at a standstill while the world keeps spinning faster and faster!

Living with the Fockers!!!!

So, this is how our living arrangements have been going! I sleep on a full size bed with my husband who likes to sleep all up on me! Did I mention the air conditioner isn't working so, it is hotter than hell in this place! We got Brody sleeping a few feet away so, there is a lot of hot air in that room! It's driving me crazy! Not to mention my favorite focker is acting crazy the whole time she is there! She is bitching and yelling at me all the time! O, and Brody decided that he doesn't have to go to sleep until um...... midnight! I am so ready to move from the fockers to my house! I love you! Mom, Dad and Mimi!!

I hate them with all the hate you can hate with. Can you hate more than that? If you can, I hate them more than that.

Don't you just hate when people talk about you behind your back. Don't you hate when stupid bitches tell you one thing and then its another! It really gets old when people are nice to your face and then talk shit just as soon as you turn around. It tears you down! I am just tired of all of it!

I hate the way you look at me!

I am slowly falling apart! I want to paint my face and pretend that I am someone else.  Sometimes I get so fed up I don't even want to look at myself.  I know people have problems that are worse than mine.  I don't want you to think I am complaining all the time.  I wish I could start over again and I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths because I am not strong enough to deal with it. Why don't you take a walk in my shoes! You may think that it's easy being me but it's NOT!

I wanna go home!

Well, O, Well ......... WE ARE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS!!!!!!!!  It's only been 3 days but I want my own bed, my own bathroom, my own kitchen, I want to walk around in my panties without having to worry about my dad!  I don't want to have to share the computer with my mom! I wanna go home! O,  it's not so bad we have live in maids that do our laundry, make the bed and cook us dinner! I love my momma, Mimi and dad  more than you will ever know but we aren't supposed to live together anymore!!!!!

Just when I think I've got it down I begin to wonder what went wrong!

One minute I am going crazy the next I am crying for you to save me! I am running on empty and I can't make up my mind. I am restless all the time. I am so completely drained from everything that's in my life. I need to scream every thought I keep inside. One minute I laugh the next minute I am slowly sinking into something black. I get the feeling that lately nothing ever really lasts. I keep trying to get up but I keep falling back.  I love, and I hate, and I wait cause one minute goes so fast. I just can't escape it! I am losing my patience! I am tired of everything around me! I smile but, I don't feel a thing. I am so far from where I need to be I have given up on faith, everything.  All I want all I need is some peace. There is a hole inside of me. It is so cold and slowly killing me! I am sinking ever so slowly so far from where I need to be. There are no hands reaching out for me. HELP ME! HELP ME! Something is gone I can feel it .... It's all wrong I am so sick of this!

What makes me feel this way?

I actually wrote the previous blog in my journal 3 days before I wrote this one!


"I feel like people expect so much out of me and it is so overwhelming. I feel like there is never enough time to do what I need or want to do. I feel so much pressure to live up to everyone's expectations to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, the strongest, the most creative and artistic,  everyone's best friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect wife, the perfect mother! I feel like I am supposed to be the shoulder the world can cry on and the rock it can lean on. When I start to feel this way I want o shut down and hide from the world so, I don't have to live up to those expectations."


So, I ask myself what causes me to feel this way?  Is it myself? Is it my mother? My friends? My husband? My sisters? My co-workers?  Is it people that I don't even know?

Who's the best?

I guess when I used to say " I'm the best!"  I was just trying to make myself believe it. In actuality I think I suck and I always have. I have always just been mediocre. I was never the prettiest, never the skinniest, never the smartest, never the richest, never the best ball player, never the best friend, never the best daughter, never the best sister, never the best wife, never the best mother, never the most crafty. It's just that I have never ever actually been the best at anything. There has always been someone who has done it better than me!  When I truly believe that I am doing a good job someone is always there to do it better! It gets very tiring to try and be the best when I will never ever achieve it. I will always be no better than 2nd place! I will always be the 1st loser!

Emotionally Needy Like ME!

Needy: Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree!

Reasons people end up lacking attention and turning to neediness for an answer, one common reason is their lack of confidence within themselves! The lack of attention from key individuals in a person's life with continue to affect them until that balance is achieved!

The type who continually complains and whines because they're never happy, this person always sees the negative in something and can rarely find joy in what they do. They'll continue to nitpick something until they find a problem with it, always taking advantage of their whininess to what they want. Whether it's providing their own happiness or providing their own emotional stability, needy people have a huge reliance on others to fulfill that lack of attention they face!

Be mindful of the emotionally needy ..... These individuals will drain your joy: wreck you soul: stay cognizant of the emotionally greedy: who require grand accolades and attention to feel whole. Not realizing that wholeness is found within ..... Not the realizing the world does not revolve around them. Not realizing you can't actually put them together again ....

" Expectation can be reasonable and still unrealistic."

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall!

I look in the mirror and what do I see an ugly fat heifer staring back at me. What should I do about the image I see? I want to sit on my butt and eat, eat, eat! The joy from that is fleeting and I soon feel defeated. That sets in and I 'm right back to me being lazy again!

If I only knew then what I know now!

I am so upset with myself for making all the wrong decisions in my life which I am now paying for. I don’t feel that I am capable of making a decision without the feeling that maybe it’s the wrong one and something bad will come out of it! In the past I lived in the moment not thinking of the consequences of my actions and now I feel like I am paying for those bad decisions!

Soon after Michael and I got married I wanted to buy a house but we knew that it wasn’t an option because we had accrued so much credit card debt. After a couple of years we were given some help to pay off our debt but by that time our credit had been destroyed!

It’s been 5 years later and I want so badly to have a home that Brody can grow up in! A yard he can run around and play in! A place he will remember all the wonderful things from his childhood! I am so mad at myself that I was selfish and now Brody has to suffer for the mistakes I made! It makes me feel like such a bad mother!

" He is the annoyance that completes my insanity, and for that how could I not love him!"

Michael and I have been married for 6 years and I love him more today than I did yesterday!  Michael is a wonderful husband! He loves me unconditionally and that doesn't happen often in this world! I don't remember the exact date that I fell in love with him but, it was sometime in 2001 and it was kind of like I just woke up one morning and knew that I loved him! I kept it a secret because I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. We had dated in the past and we broke up after a short time so, I just wasn't sure.  We remained friends after that and I got to see the truly wonderfully, amazing person that Michael is! I remember we were on a mission trip and I pretended to fall asleep & laid my head on his shoulder ( Michael swears he doesn't remember) I just wanted to be close to him.  Shortly after that Michael's sister passed away and I wanted so badly to comfort him and just hold him but, I kept my distance and I was just there for him.  A couple of months later after our softball game we went to get snow cones and just told each other how we felt. Our "1st date" was on my birthday and we went to a wedding!  We moved in together a year later and he proposed in October 2003!  We planned a wedding in 5 months and here we are 6 years later! We have been through our fair share of financial difficulty, death of loved ones and dealing with my depression and anxiety for most of our marriage! I love that man with all my heart and I know that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such a wonderful husband!

I just don't want to!!!!

                      I hate being at work!!!!! I absolutely hate it!!!!  I feel like I walk in the door and shut down!  Sell this ..... Sell that .... you are not doing enough or asking enough... you are not good enough ... blah blah blah!  I feel like I can never do enough or give enough.  I don't want to sell ... I don't want to call ... I don't want to talk to people .... I don't want to handle problems!  I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!!!

                    O, yeah I am tired of people bragging about how they did this or they did that and they sold this and they sold that.  I don't want to be nice to you and I don't want to laugh at what you are saying. I am tired of faking of and tired of being in this place!

                  I'm wondering if I am ever going to snap out of it or will I feel like this as long as I am here?

“Do they know who your momma is?”

Isn’t a mother’s love wonderful? Now that I am a mother I know how you can truly love someone so much that you would die for them. This mother thing is still pretty new to me. I have only been a mother for 1 ½ years but, I don’t want to talk about my role as a mother. I want to talk about my role as the child and how truly blessed I am to have MY mother for a mother. I have always known that MY mother was exceptional but recent events brought to light that MY Mom would do ANYTHING for me! Even thought I am an adult with child I will never stop being MY mother’s daughter!

When I was growing up I used to get so aggravated because all my friends loved my mom and would always want her around ( Now I see how truly lucky I am) She would try and be “cool” she would do things that other mothers wouldn’t or didn’t! She would perform concerts for me and my sisters! She would take us skating and skate right along with us snaking me and my friends around the rink and sometimes into the wall. :)  She would take me to ballgame after ballgame near and far. She was the loudest cheerleader and when it was needed she would be my biggest defender against the umps, refs or even the other team! She was there fighting the neighbors who called the cops on us for putting shaving cream on the street during a sleep over! She confronted the girl who stole my yearbook in Junior High! MY mother was my #1 defender and she always had my back! She made it so easy for me to talk to her (as long as she wasn’t watching T.V.! Ha-ha!) Anytime I had problem with someone she would always say “Do they know who your momma is?” it would annoy me at the time and I would respond with “Mom, they don’t care who you are!” This all leads me to say that my momma is the greatest and she proved it once again during my unfortunate stay in the hospital! Where I was held against my will! I wanted to ask those people “Do you know who my MOMMA is?” I know that my momma did all she know to do to try and rescue me but we were powerless! I believe she would’ve done just like she said and gone to jail for me if that’s what it took to get me out! It didn’t come down to that Thank Goodness but she proved that a mother NEVER stops being a mother to her child and as long as we are alive I know my mother will be my #1 supporter, defender and friend! I know how lucky I am that “SHE” is “MY” mother!

I love you, Momma!

I want to be “LYNSEY” again!

I don’t think I can do this! By this, I mean my JOB! They are all being really supportive and understanding but for some reason, that place brings me fear. I think about it and I am overcome with panic. I am terrified absolutely terrified! They are giving me a chance and I really appreciate it but,  I can't shake this overwhelming feeling of terror and nothingness.
I go back and forth like I want to be there and do my best but then my attitude totally changes to not giving a damn. I want to feel “NORMAL” again.

I feel bad for putting my family and friends through my crazy behavior. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I really feel like I am someone else and I am just watching myself acting and feeling this way. 
My husband is so wonderful and he tries to be understanding but it’s hard when I don’t even know why I do or say what I do!

How long is this going to take for me to feel better?

I’m getting impatient I want to be fixed NOW!

This is how it all went down .......

On February 18th 2010 I was admitted to the Psyche Ward of a nearby hospital. If you had asked me a year ago if I ever thought this would happen I would have said “ NO!” and probably would have bet money on it. I did happen and I was there for 4 long days! 4 horrible days! You don’t realize how much freedom you have until it is taken away. I mean completely take away. I was told what to do and when to do it! I had to ask permission to do anything from brushing my teeth to taking a shower. I was told when to wake up and when to go to bed. The hardest decision I had to make was if I should read, play board game or color! I was locked behind doors! I was trapped or should I say kidnapped? Held hostage? I couldn’t go outside for fresh air or even to fill the cold on my skin. I had to give a daily report on whether or not I had pooped or if I felt the need to hurt myself. You see that is how I ended up in the psyche ward in the 1st place. I wanted to wreck my car …. Drive into a tree or something. I had no intention of killing myself. I just wanted to be hurt. I know you think it sounds crazy but that is what I was battling in my head on my way to work that morning. I was overwhelmed with those thoughts! I knew I needed help but what kind of help did I need? Did I need to be committed or did I just need someone to talk to? The ER thought I needed to be committed even though I never said or had any intention of killing myself! I am still not sure if that was the best thing for me but, that’s what happened and well I can’t change it now!

Am I supposed to be fixed?

I keep asking myself the same question over and over again. “Am I supposed to be cured?” For some reason I thought when I walked out the doors of the Psyche Ward I would be “Fixed”. I would be happy. I would no longer think crazy things and I wouldn’t be agitated so easily. Guess what? I am not “Fixed” I didn’t have those thoughts immediately but I have had them and I have felt that way since I walked out those doors. All I kept thinking while I was there how much I wanted to be home but, I have thought maybe I should go back. It was easy there. I was pretty much told what to do the whole time I was there. The hardest thing I had to do was to figure out how to fill my time. I did that by reading, playing bored games or talking with people. That thought doesn’t last long. I remember how bad it hurt to be away from the people I love. “They” told us our problems and anxieties would be here when we returned home and guess what? They were right. I can’t keep the thoughts out of my head. I can’t stop myself from feeling anxious. “What’s wrong with me?” I keep asking. “Just stop!” I tell myself but, it’s not that easy. I know my life isn’t that bad and I know how truly blessed I am for all of the things I do have and for my wonderful family and friends but, that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I can’t sleep because if I go to sleep tomorrow will be here quicker and a new day is scary. I don’t know why it scares me. Well, I do know partly why it scares me! “Snap out of it.” I tell myself but, I just can’t. I feel trapped! I just want to escape reality and just be with my family with no worries, living care free and having fun. I want to enjoy life again! I want to look forward to the future. I don’t want to be scared of tomorrow!

This sums it all up!

“Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy."