Monday, February 27, 2012

It is going to happen!

No matter how many times I come to to terms with the fact that this divorce is going to happen.  I find myself trying to hold onto something that has been gone for a while.  Deep down I don't want to be in this marriage but at the same time I am scared because it is happening.  My natural instinct is to fight!  Fight to keep this marriage alive and no matter how many times He tells me we aren't getting back together I continue to try and convince him to make it work even though I know that it won't!
   He is what I know. He is my comfort.  He has loved me through some really hard times.  He is a really good man.  He loved me unconditionally and I took advantage of that.  I could have been a lot better and I feel like I completely failed him.  I failed being a good wife and that makes me sad. 
   I don't think that it is completely my fault that our marriage didn' t work and I kind of think he should admit the things he did wrong.  I don't know I hope this is the right thing to do.  

"    I guess the truth is just a lie and forever runs out of time."

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A list?

He wants me to make a list of what is mine and this task seems entinrely overwhelming. I don't think of anything as "MINE" it has always been "OURS" how do I sit and make a list?

I am not ok and I don't know if I will ever be ok.... I pretend I am ok but I'm not.... I cry and cry and cry! I don't know exactly why I am crying but my heart hurts deeply it hurts so deep that the ache never leaves and I don't know if my life will be ok!

I know I have to be strong for my son but strong is not what I am .... I am weak, I break easily and it is so so hard!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Letter to Michael

" Always remember when the pain of holding on is greater than the pain of letting go.....It's time to let go."

       I've been trying so hard to hold onto you know matter how I can and that isn't fair to you or me.  I'm sorry! I love you and I always will.  I think you are a wonderful man.  It is so hard to allow myself to let go of us but I know that is how it has to be. I'm scared of the unknown because you are all I have ever known.  I wish that out story had a different ending but it doesn't so, just know that this is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do in my life and the unknown scares me. I think that is why I try to keep hanging onto you.  This point in my life is hard and I really do want to thank you for being so kind,

" Moving on doesn't take a day .... It takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self."

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Written 9-25-11

I don't even know if you think that our love is worth saving ........Am I worth fighting for?

Have we stopped believing in us?

Have you stopped believing in me because I am not sure if I believe in you anymore?

I want you to love me again!

I want us to have dreams!

I want to live a love song!

Note I found that I had written to Michael on 10-2-11

Why is it so hard to love me?

Is this the way it is supposed to be? I remember at the beginning it was wonderful and we had so much fun! You thought I was great. I thought you were wonderful and I know that we don't think that way anymore. I am not even sure if you love me. I am not sure if I love you! All I want is to be truly loved by someone and I want to feel like I am special I know things have changed and you don't feel that way about me and I don't feel that way about you! So, what do we do? Do you want to fix it or do we just give up and accept the fact that once upon a time we were what each other needed/wanted/loved and we are not that way anymore. I know that the majority of the problem is me but I feel like I was abandoned by you and I am just living my life alone without a partner! I changed and You changed and we are now at this crossroads ....... do we walk together hand in hand or do we say goodbye and take separate roads and hopefully find happiness again!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Things left unsaid

There are so many things that I want to say! So, many things that I know I shouldn't be doing and so many things I can't help but do. I am 30 years old and newly separated and well I am sure you will all get to read about my journey to finding love and happiness again!

Monday, January 9, 2012


So, today Michael told me that he got paperwork to start our divorce proceedings and I just feel so blah about it!  It's like I don't have a feeling ,,,, weird!