I'm sad

I have an ache in my chest and all I want is for it to be fixed!  I want to feel happy and I want to feel joy! All I want is to know that this is the right thing and that everything will be ok!  It has to be ok because I can't handle it if it is not ok!

12-25-11

My <3 is broken!

Everytime I see him it takes all that have from breaking down and begging him to take me back. I am on the verge of tears a million times through out the day and I have know one to blame but myself!

Scared to be Alone

Last Night I begged for him to take me back. I begged and cried and pleaded for him to take me back.  I don't know if I really want him back but I want B to be happy. He said he didn't love me anymore and that he can't be married to me.  My life choices hve not been great and I am the one who suffers and deals with the pain. I am 30 years old and have a ton of life to live.  I just want it to be better than before!

This house is just as broken You made it fall apart

This is how I think Michael feels:

Your silence speaks to me tonight
I question that I know the answer to
An answer that I need to hear from you
But I can't take this anymore
So this is the last song I sing to you
It's time I be a man and I face the truth
The lies,
All the tears in your eyes
I won't waste the time or the breath on you
To explain things you think you already knew
So goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye

One push
One pull
One final break
This foolish heart and your mistakes
It's hard enough to know the things you did
It's harder not to let you right back in
But I've got nothing left to say
So this is the last song I sing to you
It's time I be a man and i face the truth
The lies,
All the tears in your eyes
I won't waste the time or the breath on you
To explain things you think you already knew
Already knew...

Letters to Michael

12/15/11
Michael

I am sorry for all the pain that I caused you. I am sorry that I changed and was no longer the girl that you once loved. I know that I am difficult and impossible to live with but I needed you. I needed you to love me and show me that you loved me and tell me that you loved me. I needed support and understanding and a safe place. I have felt like forever and it's just been me against the world. It is hard when I put so much pressure on myself and then to add the weight of the world to that it is hard to handle.  I have had a rough couple of years and no one understands me. I am sorry that I wasn't the wife that I should have been but I think we had a hard start from the beginning and never really overcame that. It is like our marriage has one been a struggle over and over. I think that you are wonderful and a great dad. I just wish I could have been better. Thank you for being a great part of my life.
Lynsey

12/21/11
Michael

First off I want to tell you that I am truly sorry for all of the things that I have done that have been selfish and hurtful to you! I realize that my actions have not shown you that I love you and that I want to be with but I do and I promise that I will stop doing what I have been doing. I know that I am depressed and I sometimes feel like it isn't even me that is acting this way. I will be a better mother to Brody and I will get serious about finding a job and I will check back in. I know that I have been distancing myself and really not wanting to involve myself in anything and I am sorry and I will do better!  If you don't want to get back together right now just let me know that we may have a chance and I will begin to work on myself! I just don't want us to divorce! We have been in this marriage to long to throw it away! We have made it through some tough stuff and I know that you have had to deal with a lot from me but I am sorry and I want nothing more than to try and get back to a happy place for both of us! Brody needs his mother and father together! Please say we have a chance! I love you!
Lynsey