Monday, February 27, 2012

It is going to happen!

No matter how many times I come to to terms with the fact that this divorce is going to happen.  I find myself trying to hold onto something that has been gone for a while.  Deep down I don't want to be in this marriage but at the same time I am scared because it is happening.  My natural instinct is to fight!  Fight to keep this marriage alive and no matter how many times He tells me we aren't getting back together I continue to try and convince him to make it work even though I know that it won't!
   He is what I know. He is my comfort.  He has loved me through some really hard times.  He is a really good man.  He loved me unconditionally and I took advantage of that.  I could have been a lot better and I feel like I completely failed him.  I failed being a good wife and that makes me sad. 
   I don't think that it is completely my fault that our marriage didn' t work and I kind of think he should admit the things he did wrong.  I don't know I hope this is the right thing to do.  

"    I guess the truth is just a lie and forever runs out of time."

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A list?

He wants me to make a list of what is mine and this task seems entinrely overwhelming. I don't think of anything as "MINE" it has always been "OURS" how do I sit and make a list?

I am not ok and I don't know if I will ever be ok.... I pretend I am ok but I'm not.... I cry and cry and cry! I don't know exactly why I am crying but my heart hurts deeply it hurts so deep that the ache never leaves and I don't know if my life will be ok!

I know I have to be strong for my son but strong is not what I am .... I am weak, I break easily and it is so so hard!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Letter to Michael

" Always remember when the pain of holding on is greater than the pain of letting go.....It's time to let go."

       I've been trying so hard to hold onto you know matter how I can and that isn't fair to you or me.  I'm sorry! I love you and I always will.  I think you are a wonderful man.  It is so hard to allow myself to let go of us but I know that is how it has to be. I'm scared of the unknown because you are all I have ever known.  I wish that out story had a different ending but it doesn't so, just know that this is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do in my life and the unknown scares me. I think that is why I try to keep hanging onto you.  This point in my life is hard and I really do want to thank you for being so kind,

" Moving on doesn't take a day .... It takes a lot of little steps to be able to break free of your broken self."