Friday, April 16, 2010

Just when I think I've got it down I begin to wonder what went wrong!

One minute I am going crazy the next I am crying for you to save me! I am running on empty and I can't make up my mind. I am restless all the time. I am so completely drained from everything that's in my life. I need to scream every thought I keep inside. One minute I laugh the next minute I am slowly sinking into something black. I get the feeling that lately nothing ever really lasts. I keep trying to get up but I keep falling back.  I love, and I hate, and I wait cause one minute goes so fast. I just can't escape it! I am losing my patience! I am tired of everything around me! I smile but, I don't feel a thing. I am so far from where I need to be I have given up on faith, everything.  All I want all I need is some peace. There is a hole inside of me. It is so cold and slowly killing me! I am sinking ever so slowly so far from where I need to be. There are no hands reaching out for me. HELP ME! HELP ME! Something is gone I can feel it .... It's all wrong I am so sick of this!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

What makes me feel this way?

I actually wrote the previous blog in my journal 3 days before I wrote this one!

"I feel like people expect so much out of me and it is so overwhelming. I feel like there is never enough time to do what I need or want to do. I feel so much pressure to live up to everyone's expectations to be the prettiest, smartest, funniest, the strongest, the most creative and artistic,  everyone's best friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the perfect wife, the perfect mother! I feel like I am supposed to be the shoulder the world can cry on and the rock it can lean on. When I start to feel this way I want o shut down and hide from the world so, I don't have to live up to those expectations."

So, I ask myself what causes me to feel this way?  Is it myself? Is it my mother? My friends? My husband? My sisters? My co-workers?  Is it people that I don't even know?

Who's the best?

I guess when I used to say " I'm the best!"  I was just trying to make myself believe it. In actuality I think I suck and I always have. I have always just been mediocre. I was never the prettiest, never the skinniest, never the smartest, never the richest, never the best ball player, never the best friend, never the best daughter, never the best sister, never the best wife, never the best mother, never the most crafty. It's just that I have never ever actually been the best at anything. There has always been someone who has done it better than me!  When I truly believe that I am doing a good job someone is always there to do it better! It gets very tiring to try and be the best when I will never ever achieve it. I will always be no better than 2nd place! I will always be the 1st loser!

Monday, April 12, 2010

Emotionally Needy Like ME!

Needy: Wanting or needing affection, attention, or reassurance, especially to an excessive degree!
Reasons people end up lacking attention and turning to neediness for an answer, one common reason is their lack of confidence within themselves! The lack of attention from key individuals in a person's life with continue to affect them until that balance is achieved!
The type who continually complains and whines because they're never happy, this person always sees the negative in something and can rarely find joy in what they do. They'll continue to nitpick something until they find a problem with it, always taking advantage of their whininess to what they want. Whether it's providing their own happiness or providing their own emotional stability, needy people have a huge reliance on others to fulfill that lack of attention they face!
Be mindful of the emotionally needy ..... These individuals will drain your joy: wreck you soul: stay cognizant of the emotionally greedy: who require grand accolades and attention to feel whole. Not realizing that wholeness is found within ..... Not the realizing the world does not revolve around them. Not realizing you can't actually put them together again ....

" Expectation can be reasonable and still unrealistic."

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall!

I look in the mirror and what do I see an ugly fat heifer staring back at me. What should I do about the image I see? I want to sit on my butt and eat, eat, eat! The joy from that is fleeting and I soon feel defeated. That sets in and I 'm right back to me being lazy again!