Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I just want to give up!

"Nobody said it was easy but, nobody said it was this hard!'

I have a constant ache in my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I try so hard to pretend that I am ok but I am not..... I am soooooo far from being ok! Nothing makes me happy and I just want to avoid the world in general but they won't let me! I can’t snap out of it! I am living in a dark hole and I can't climb out! I can't even remember the last time I didn't feel like this. I am gone and I am afraid that I may never come back! I am falling deeper and deeper and no one is trying to pull me back up! I am so sure that everyone is tired of me and thinks that I am making excuses but they don't know how I feel and how hard it is to escape the pain.

I try so hard to feel better and I try to do things for other people just so I can get a thank you or you are great or just anything positive because I feel like I am around nothing but negative and I know I don't make it easy but when I am being difficult that is when I need you to love me the most!

I have lost my desire to do anything that I once loved and I just want to give up

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about the shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are meant to shine as children do. We were born to manifest the glory God that is whithin us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Saturday, August 13, 2011

It is your turn!

I feel like I get beat down constantly! I never do anything right! When I do something it is never good enough! I am just so over it I just want to give up! I don't understand how someone can assume that they know how long it takes me to get my job done because they don't! I don't go to his work and tell him that he should have had this and that done and it is taking him entirely to long to do it! He has know idea how long it takes to look at every single picture and decide which is the best and then edit the good ones! When i do a wedding I have to at least look at over a thousand pictures and compare them to the other pictures that are pretty much the same to make sure the custome is getting the best of what we have! He doesn't know because he doesn't do it. He doesn't know how time consuming it is to try to figure out the best way to edit a picture because of the things he did while taking them! The next wedding we do I am going to be the lead photographer and he can edit all those damn pictures!

Friday, August 12, 2011


Apparently it is ok to treat me like shit as long as your name is Michael. Your mom can watch him abuse me physically and talk to me however he wants but if I try to defend myself or even talk to him . I am in the wrong. I am so tired of living b/c I am worthless. I don't do anything so, I have no reason to live. In fact everyone would probably be better off without me. So, I might just do it. I could take some pills and just go to sleep and never wake up and not have to deal with him or mom or even try to be a good sister and try to do the right thing b/c nothing I do is right! I am not even a good mother according to everyone so, maybe B will be better off he has a new mom! My heart is broken b/c I am not loved and and I just want to be loved Fuck'em all! I'm out!