Enough said...

She's a beautiful mess, yeah the kind you love to love!

I am naive to the fact that this would be easy... Just get back out there and love someone else. Oh, how I want to love and to be loved back in such a way that I have never felt. I want to love you like you love me. I do believe that you are right that you probably love me more but that doesn't mean I don't love you the best way that I can. I care for you and I think about you constantly. You are also right that you may think of me more because I do have a lot of other things that I am constantly dealing with or taking care of.  I know what it's like to feel so alone that you think that is all you will feel. I feel that way even now. I want this to work badly but I can see your frustration and anger because I am keeping you just far enough away. Even though I do love you. I know how easily I could fall deeper in love with you and by not allowing that to happen I am protecting myself. I say it's for Brody's sake when yes some of it is! But if I'm being honest it is more for my sake. My heart has been shattered by someone who I thought I would love me forever and yes I realize that you are not him and that you say you want to love me forever. At this point it is all I really want and at the very same time it is the very thing I'm scared of. I like to think I'm strong and I can handle most things but if I'm being honest I'm very fragile. I'm absolutely terrified to have my heart broken again. I don't think I would survive. And you are probably thinking this is bullshit and I should have been upfront with you but you see I haven't loved anyone like this and I didn't realize what all it entailed. How can I give myself to someone and completely trust them when I once said marriage vows that promised certain things and those vows were broken and now just the mere thought of giving myself completely to you without anything to fall back on. Without anything giving us a reason to keep holding on. Is making me crazy. I had know idea that I would be able to feel the feelings I feel for you in such a short time but at the same time be afraid to follow through. I know this is not fair to you and I'm sorry but I know this makes no sense but I love you and don't want you to leave but I'm scared to actually allow you to be here. And when I say here I mean actually allow you to penetrate the depths of my heart. You have a piece but giving you what is left is what is making me scared bc once I do that there is no turning back. At that moment I will never want you to leave and I will forever want to be yours. Is it that easy? Is it just that simple to quit expecting the worst and then losing love of my life or preventing what could happen which would be me alone again trying to gather the pieces of my heart and try to rebuild myself. I'm not that strong. My poor heart can't take it. Oh, but then again what if I push you away and never allow myself to know what true love really is.  What if I am pushing away the one person on this earth that understands my heart more than I do myself. What if I am losing the best thing that will ever happen to me. 

One day ...

I'm so sad!

It's really late at night and I can't sleep! Probably due to the fact that I slept all day! But as I lay here thinking... I can't help but feel weird mixture of emotions! My great and wonderful friend Brandy is getting married next Saturday. I'm so happy for her that she's getting to marry the love of her life. My other friend Jennie got engaged today! I am also so very happy for her. I believe he is the one that is truly going to make her happy. 

I am alone. Don't get me wrong I'm very happy for my two great friends. They both have been through some hard times and truly deserve happiness. I just can't help but think I'm so tired of being sad. I've been so sad for so long and all I want is to truly be happy again.  I do believe it will happen I'm just sad! 

Yes you!

 He makes me smile the whole time we are talking and I just can't get enough! I think about him all day and I look forward to when he calls it makes me have little butterflies in my stomach! He makes me laugh and I just wanna be next to him. I like this feeling. You know the feeling you get when someone cares about you and genuinely wants to spend time with you. I've been missing that. 

Why was I not worth it?

I really don't want much. I just want my beautiful son and a man that loves me more than I can imagine. I want him to love my son with a love that he deserves. I want a family again. I want to look forward to coming home instead of dreading (for things I'm not mentioning). I want a house of my own.. Something I can be proud of. I want to decorate it and really feel at home. I've never felt like that. I thought that my ex-husband loved me unconditionally but I guess he didn't because he gave up on me to easily. I tired to make it work and he just gave up on his family. He gave up on us. I wonder why I wasn't worth the effort. Why did he not love me like I deserve? I guess I will never know. 

Oh, what a day!

Okay today is been a very crazy day! I found out that Michael has a girlfriend! Not only does he have a girlfriend but she lives next door to me! I'm really okay with the fact that he has a girlfriend because we've been divorced for six weeks now or so. I just find it really ironic that out of all the girls in this town he decides to be with someone that lives near me. When you get divorced you try to separate your lives and having child makes that a little bit harder to separate than just a normal break up. I'm used to the fact that I have to see him once a week.  But now I'll be forced probably not really to see him but to know that his presence is so close. Brody struggled with the fact Monday and Tuesday of seeing his dads vehicle parked next door and not really understanding that he can't see his dad. I spoke to Michael and I believe that he's going to try and work that out to where it is not an issue. Only time will tell on that I suppose! I mean I knew this would happened and I tried to prepare myself for it but I just think it would be so much easier if she didn't live next-door. Like I said in my last post I love Michael.... Im not in love with Michael!  I love him as a man and as the father of my child and I respect him and I want great things for him it's just I want to have a separate life from him. I still feel like our lives are so entwined in so many ways and I want that to stop. Sometimes I feel like I just want to get out of this town and break away from all of the memories and all of the people and start fresh. 

The D word!

Well,  I know it has been a long time since I have written but, I am just now able to feel like I say the things I want to say without fear. I am now DIVORCED! I never thought I would be one of those people that had to use that word. I am and I try not to and the words Divorce and my Ex- husband are the hardest words I have ever had to say. I don't believe in divorce and I am sad that I allowed it to get here but it is what it is. It just makes me sad that Michael gave up so easily.  I know it wasn't easy and things weren't perfect but lord I loved him more than he will ever know I guess. I feel ashamed and embarrassed but he has moved on with his life and he seems happy and thats good but I wish we could have been happy together. I will never be able to erase all of the little things that made us Michael and Lynsey and well we will never be that again. My heart is breaking a little more while I am typing and I wonder if I will ever get past this. I loved that man!