Thursday, October 24, 2013

She's a beautiful mess, yeah the kind you love to love!

I am naive to the fact that this would be easy... Just get back out there and love someone else. Oh, how I want to love and to be loved back in such a way that I have never felt. I want to love you like you love me. I do believe that you are right that you probably love me more but that doesn't mean I don't love you the best way that I can. I care for you and I think about you constantly. You are also right that you may think of me more because I do have a lot of other things that I am constantly dealing with or taking care of.  I know what it's like to feel so alone that you think that is all you will feel. I feel that way even now. I want this to work badly but I can see your frustration and anger because I am keeping you just far enough away. Even though I do love you. I know how easily I could fall deeper in love with you and by not allowing that to happen I am protecting myself. I say it's for Brody's sake when yes some of it is! But if I'm being honest it is more for my sake. My heart has been shattered by someone who I thought I would love me forever and yes I realize that you are not him and that you say you want to love me forever. At this point it is all I really want and at the very same time it is the very thing I'm scared of. I like to think I'm strong and I can handle most things but if I'm being honest I'm very fragile. I'm absolutely terrified to have my heart broken again. I don't think I would survive. And you are probably thinking this is bullshit and I should have been upfront with you but you see I haven't loved anyone like this and I didn't realize what all it entailed. How can I give myself to someone and completely trust them when I once said marriage vows that promised certain things and those vows were broken and now just the mere thought of giving myself completely to you without anything to fall back on. Without anything giving us a reason to keep holding on. Is making me crazy. I had know idea that I would be able to feel the feelings I feel for you in such a short time but at the same time be afraid to follow through. I know this is not fair to you and I'm sorry but I know this makes no sense but I love you and don't want you to leave but I'm scared to actually allow you to be here. And when I say here I mean actually allow you to penetrate the depths of my heart. You have a piece but giving you what is left is what is making me scared bc once I do that there is no turning back. At that moment I will never want you to leave and I will forever want to be yours. Is it that easy? Is it just that simple to quit expecting the worst and then losing love of my life or preventing what could happen which would be me alone again trying to gather the pieces of my heart and try to rebuild myself. I'm not that strong. My poor heart can't take it. Oh, but then again what if I push you away and never allow myself to know what true love really is.  What if I am pushing away the one person on this earth that understands my heart more than I do myself. What if I am losing the best thing that will ever happen to me.