Wednesday, September 28, 2011

O yes that is me

Today was a bad day for me. I had to run some errands and I was so overwhelmed and had so much anxiety that I broke down and cried a couple of times. It is not like I was having to do things that were hard. I was just running simple errands like going to Wal-Mart and the Post Office. That is it! I don't understand why I am not able to do simple things with out becoming a basket case! It is like if anything doesn't go exactly has planned I start freaking out on the inside and then I start freaking out on the outside. Why me? Why can't I be normal?

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Our love song is now a sad sad song!

7 years ago I thought you and I were meant to be for eternity now I feel like we are on the edge of goodbye. I know we both know that things have gone bad and it is so hard to even remember the good times we once had!

At this point it doesn't matter who is wrong or is right even though we both have our own versions of what and how it went wrong. I know that I am not perfect and there are a lot of things that I need to change but I am not going to take all of the blame!
There are 2 people in this marriage and it takes 2 people to make it work! I have lost my sense of direction and my will to fight. I am not even sure if we are worth saving because we were meant to be supposed to be but we lost it. I am so numb to the pain I really don't feel anything it is so bad I can't even laugh or cry.

I want you to love me enough to reach out for me when I am falling off the edge and well lately I just keep falling down and I don't have the strength to get back up and I feel like I am crying out for you but you don't hear me or see my pain. It is like you just walk by me and give me a little nudge and push me even further off the edge.
You know we can be sitting in the same room and be so far away. When did that happen? Where did it all go wrong? What happened to us? I don't even know if our love can be saved. Is it to far gone? Are we worth fighting for?

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Advice from a friend!

Well, I just talked to a friend that said "Fix the situation you are in before you try and do anything else, If you aren't happy get a divorce or work it out! Quit trying to live a double life and pretend that everything is ok when what you are doing is wrong to me and your husband in so many ways!" This friend is one of the guys that I had talked to when I was pretending that I wasn't married. I told him the truth a couple of weeks ago and haven't talked to him since but today he texted me and then he wanted to say some things to me and you know what he is so right. He said he didn't hate me but what I was doing was fucked up and that I need to fix it! He is right but, what is the right thing to do? I don't know? We have lost something and i don't know if it is too late to get it back! This why I need a crystal ball so I can see the future and what happens when I make a decision so, I don't make the wrong one!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Don't let'em fool ya!

It is funny how a good day can turn in a shitty day in an instant! Well, I was woking on pictures and just doing my normal stuff and friend stopped by! We talked for a while about some things going on with her and then I brought up a job opening that I new about and that i asked Michael to see if he could hook me up with the job since his family has a really close connection. Well, come to find out Michael didn't say anything and they are interviewing tomorrow and thursday and I don't have an interview. So, it pissed me off because he is still my husband and he wants me to get a job so effin bad he should of done whatever he could in his power to help me out! I would have done that for him! O, wait I did do that for him! I am just so sick of him and all the crap. He refuses to go to marriage counseling and he doesn't want to help me get a job. That is what people do they help other people they know get jobs! So, I am so mad at him and I don't even want to be around him! Of couse when I talk to him about it. No one defends me and everytime Michael is bicthing at me about something my mother doesn't hesitate to jump on with how she feels but not with Michael becuase Michael is great and wonderful and blah blah I think I am going to throw up! Don't let Michael fool you. He is not that great! In fact I am not even sure if I can name one thing that I think is great or wonderful!

Monday, September 12, 2011

For the 1st time made to suit!

I am laid up in bed with a broken heart, while he’s out doing whatever he wants. How did we get into this mad situation? We are only doing things out of frustration. We are trying to make it work but these times are hard! I need him now but he can't seem to find the time. How did we get in this mess? Is it God's test?

Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best, we are trying to make it work but these times are hard. We should start by staying up and talking all night, saying things we haven't said for a while.
We're smiling but we're close tears, even after all these years! We just now got the feeling that we're needed for the first time in a while. But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts, you pick yourself up when you get kicked to the dirt. We are trying to make it work but, these times are hard. Oh!  These times are hard; yeah they're making us crazy. Please don't give up on us baby!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

No one will talk to me!

I hate my life and most people in it!  I tried to talk to my mom today and well she wouldn’t. Take 2 I was talking and she said don’t talk to me because I am not listening. I tried to talk to my friend and well got about 30 words in and well she bailed.  I tried to talk to my sister and well she listened but that was it.   I have been yelled at today and cussed at and guess what I feel like crap.  Of course that is all my fault.  I am so done!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

another day in the life

“She smiles with all she has left yet her tears are left undried though she has so much to say she bottles it up inside if you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees a disguise so you won’t recognize that girl is”

I thought today was going to be a pretty good day well, it was for the most part the part until Mom and Michael came home. I tried to talk to Mom about stuff and well, that ended rather quickly because she did not listen to anything that I said she just started talking about how I don’t do this and I don’t do that and well I ended that conversation and barely spoke to her the rest of the evening. You see my heart is broke and I want to be able to talk but obviously she is not the one. I knew that she wasn’t but I tried any way because she used to be the person I could talk to about anything. O well, things change! Then Michael came home ................... well I have been trying to talk to him as little as possible because I am just angry at him but we still have to talk a little. So, he brings me my phone and makes the comment that he couldn’t check who called me because my phone is locked and then he said because I was still lying and hiding things. That pissed me off because I am not! The reason my phone is and has been locked because Brody and Ashlyn pick it up and that can’t do anything if it is locked! So, then I really tried to not talk but he was telling me about a job that may become available in an office of a close Rima family friend and well I asked him why he couldn’t help me out with that and he said blah fucking blah some bs about how they hire from within and then I started bitching about it and of course he was just about to say but he would have his dad talk to him……….. Whatever! Tonight has been hard and full of sadness and tears and I just want to be ok!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I can't escape

Is it too much to ask to be loved? Not only to be loved but to be told that I am loved. To feel like I am loved. Instead of breaking me down why can't you lift me up? I am so weak and I need you to be strong.

I have always been the "strong one". The one that took care of things. The person who would advise and listen and do things for others without asking of anything in return. I am the girl that would send encouraging words through the mail because it would brighten their day. I was the girl that everyone thought was so confidant but underneath my smile I was dying inside.

I have been living in such sadness that I don't even know when I became so overwhelmed that I became the person I am now. The girl that wallows in her self pity daily. The girl that blames others for her sadness. The girl that would rather stay in bed than do anything at all. The girl that doesn't talk to her friends because talking is just too much. The girl who has good intentions when making plans but when the time comes I become so overwhelmed and scared that I often break plans. I don't care if I leave the house. I don't care if I talk to anyone.

I just want to be happy again! I know that I don't want to live this life like this because I have basically stopped living and I am just existing.

My Broken Heart

The symptoms of a "broken heart" can manifest themselves through psychological pain but for many the effect is physical. Although the experience is regarded commonly as indescribable, the following is a list of common symptoms that occur:

A perceived tightness of the chest, similar to an anxiety attack

Stomachache and/or loss of appetite

Partial or complete insomnia




Apathy (loss of interest)

Anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure)



Feelings of loneliness

Feelings of hopelessness and despair

Loss of self-respect and/or self-esteem

Medical or psychological illness (for example depression)

Suicidal thoughts



Constant or frequent crying

A feeling of complete emptiness

In extreme cases, death

You Suck

You are so selfish and well I think you suck! I need some medication and Dr. Pepper but I don't have enough money. You need gas and we have to pay the storage bill but I asked if you could not fill up today so you could get my meds and dr pepper and you said no that you had to do it today! You are just simply ridiculous and I am not gonan do it!

Monday, September 5, 2011

How can I be happy when I feel so sad?

The following answer is what I think my mother would say if I asked her this question.

Numbing your heart only makes it harder to feel and enjoy the joyous moments when they come into your life, it makes it harder to truly love yourself and others fully and receive that love in return and most of all my darling – it doesn’t stop you from feeling the hurt. Because no matter how hard you try to feel numb – it is only by carrying that pain around that you can harden yourself against it.

I see you continually reminding yourself of your past disappointments and hurts in order to ‘not feel’ and to do that you must keep remembering to guard your heart against them, this is not letting go of them this is carrying around an ever growing pack of hurt that gets heavier and heavier every day. Sweetheart, it’s time to put it down.

This isn’t who you are. The child I remember you to be is full of life, intelligence and most of all loving and compassionate with such depth of being and empathy, that I know this is one of the reasons you have tried to mask your feelings. I have to say my lovely daughter it is time to reclaim who you really are, the real you is there hiding and I still see glimpses of her in the way you look at your beautiful son.

Do you truly believe you will hurt any less if the worst happens? Please give your tired heart a break, allow it to fully acknowledge and enjoy the joyous moments for they are the moments that heal you and your heart. It is in the healing that resilience develops and grows. Every time you allow yourself to feel fully the moment you are in whether grievous or joyous your heart becomes stronger and more flexible and is able to carry you through the tough times and elevate you to heights unexpected in the happy times.

Be strong enough to be vulnerable and you will find your life so much more worth living in-joy your joy fully, ecstatically without worry of what the future might or might not hold. Why borrow trouble when it is not a sure thing? Allow yourself to feel the moments as they pass and they do pass. Take a leaf from the book of childhood, children cry, laugh, whine, wonder, get angry, excited, disappointed, ecstatic.. All in the space of a moment and herein lays the strength of your inner child – trust your inner child to carry you through by allowing it to acknowledge the moments of your life fully and let them go.

This is the secret to being happy my darling, to fully feel each moment and then let it go.

Make a promise to yourself to feel the joy in each moment, in the little things, and to allow it to lift you up to where you can handle the rest of your life. Feel grateful for each moment for they bring on the next and please. Now is the time to create happy memories you have been blessed in this moment with and those memories will be there in the future no matter what. I believe you will be sharing those moments with your son when he is not so little and you will enjoy the moment when you can share the memories with him – make them happy ones and be grateful for the time that has been given to you to expand your heart.

I want to ask you too, what will you want to teach your son about life, joy and love will you teach him to live fully in every moment? I know you will, to do this well you will need to be a person who lives fully in every moment – be the role model your son will need you to be show him that life joyous in the adventure of being alive!

Remember joy is a moment-to-moment choice – make the choice to make joy and gratitude your focus and I promise your life will change completely from the very moment you make that choice.

And remember I love you and are eternally grateful for each joyous moment I have had you in my life.

sad sad sad

Today we sat in the same room and I bet we didn’t say 50 words to each other all day! I don’t know what needs to be done at this point. I suggested counseling and he turned it down. Obviously we have some issues and well I know that we can’t work through them on our own. I am a fan of counseling but he says he doesn’t have to talk to anybody. Well, something has to be done because I cannot continue to be unhappy! I am not blaming all of my unhappiness on him because I know that the majority of it is me but, I feel if I have him back in my corner loving, caring and helping me I could overcome the rest of my issues. As of right now I feel so alone even when I am in a room of lots of people my heart aches constantly and I my mind drifts off and begins to think of crazy things.

I need to get better for my son. He needs a mother who is not sad and it isn’t fair to him and that makes me sad! I can’t do this alone. I can’t! I am alone with how I feel and I have no one to talk to because everyone has an opinion or should I say they can’t be impartial.

Obviously my medication is not working because I am not feeling better in fact I think I am worse than before. So, the plan is to see my doctor and get off of the meds and find someone to talk to.

It is not just me!

I wanna die but I swear the only I mean the only reason I don't is because of that little boy! I love him more than anything in this world and Michael is threatening to take him away! He said if we divorce I will never get to see Brody ever and I will have to pay child support! It scares me because Michael knows a lot of attorneys and judges in this town and I don’t think I would be treated fairly!

The question is …….. Do I want to stay married to Michael? I don’t know at this point! I think that he sees all of the problems in our marriage are my fault and I will accept the problems that I have made in the marriage but he is not so innocent! Like I said in the previous blog I have a lot of resentment and anger towards him and well I don’t know how to deal with it! I don’t know how to deal with anything anymore! He thinks that I should go to counseling but we shouldn’t! I think that if he wanted this marriage to work he would do whatever it takes! If he wants me to change some things I think that he should also be big enough to accept mistakes that he has made and quit putting the blame all on me and he should be willing to go with me to talk to someone about our marriage!

Sunday, September 4, 2011


I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me that I am worthless and basically there is no point on me living! I am so sick of everyone pointing out my flaws but they seem to think that they are perfect! I seriously can't take it anymore! So, mom starts talking crap to me about how I am doing wrong and how Brody needs his mother back and I said I was here and she said yeah that is all you are is here! Just a few months ago she sat here and watched Michael actually physcially hit me and did nothing but she seems to think that she can point out to me what i am doing wrong in the marriage but she sure as hell didn't say one word to Michael! I am tired of getting beat down everyday! Right now I am fighting the urge to go a cut myself. I can't stop thinking about it and i have so much pain that I just want to feel ok even if it is a brief second!

I am breathing and trying to get my mind of the cutting and I am not going to but, it still is there in my head and my heart hurts so bad!

Friday, September 2, 2011

These times.. there making us crazy... don’t give up on me baby!

Wow, I am just sitting here thinking how we ended up in this situation doing things out of frustration.  I need him and it’s like he doesn’t have time to deal with me.  I don’t even know how we got in this mess and I wonder if it is God’s test. I know people see us struggling but no one offers to help and we try to do our best but I am not sure if our best is good enough anymore.  How are we gonna make it work when hurts and we try to pick ourselves up but we can’t.  I think that we are both out of strength and the desire to try to fix this.  The longer things are left unsaid the harder it is going to be to put it back together. 
My mother has always tried to instill in me the fact that I am not a quitter and I will do whatever I am doing to the best of my abilities but I guess my mom didn’t factor in the fact that something has taken over my life and I am no longer the person I used to be.  Do I think that this depression is affecting our marriage?  Yes it most certainly does but no one understands what I go through on a daily basis. I am sad and I have an ache in my chest that will not go away.  I honestly can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and that is sad!
Do I think it is hard to live with me and be married to me at this point?  Yes I do but, I need him and he just doesn’t care.  So, what do we do when we have lost the will to fight? I am not sure.  I am at the point where I don’t even want to be in the same room with him just because there is so much tension.  Other people notice it and it makes them uncomfortable. He puts me down on a daily basis and it makes it that much harder to regain the strength and desire to do anything let alone fight for something that I am not sure we even want.   I don’t know how he feels because he communicates with me.  He absolutely refuses to talk to me about anything serious so, we leave things left unsaid and the problem just continues to get bigger and bigger. This is not for lack of trying on my part because I don’t have a problem talking though something but I have even stopped because what is the point when the other person is not listening or bails out of the conversation a few words in.  I am not sure if I can continue down this road that is never going to change.  
I think I have done a lot of sacrificing to make the marriage work and as a result I am left with bitterness and resentfulness. I don’t think it is fair that I am the only one putting any effort into our marriage so I have stopped and well he sure hasn’t changed.

So, the question is …. Can we save the marriage at this point? I don’t know! I know how I feel and it is not that great! I am sure that he has lots of feelings towards me but I wouldn’t know.

Now I am trying to figure out when it began to fall apart and I guess you could say that it began day 1 of our marriage and well 7 ½ years later. Life has not made it easier for sure. I think that he and I both have lost respect for each other and it is just so hard.

We made some bad decisions before we got married that is still affecting us to this day.  We both had decent jobs and good credit scores so, WE CHARGED IT!  If we wanted something we got it and didn’t think twice about it.  We charged a lot of our wedding and it has put such a strain on our marriage that we have had money problems from the beginning because shortly after we were married I lost my job.  I soon found a job but I was getting paid a lot less.  Then winter came and well his job depended on the weather and well if he didn’t work he didn’t get paid so, guess what … we stopped paying on our credit card bills and then soon we were buried in so much debt that we couldn’t overcome it.  So, we made the decision to move in with his parents.  That decision was a huge decision that affected me in so many negative ways.  I have a lot of resentment because of that one decision.  We were supposed to live there a short time but that short time turned into 2 years of anxiety attacks and depression.  I found a great job prior to this and well he went through several. The plan when we moved in was that we were going to save money so we could pay off some debt and save money.  Well, that is not what happened and we are both to blame for this. 

My boss at the time new our situation and loaned us the money to pay off our debt and we paid him every month.  I had also been in a car accident so I was getting a settlement and we paid him off when that happened.  So, things are looking good for a while we move out of the basement and into an apartment with my sister and her boyfriend.  They moved out soon and well we managed to continue to pay the bills and really have a decent life.  He found a job that he loved that paid great with benefits and I loved my job and it paid great so; we decided that it was time to have a child.  We had been married almost 4 years and it was time.  So, we got pregnant and we still managed to be ok and we got what we needed for the baby and things were good.  Well, shortly after I returned form maternity leave he was fired.  It was an awful time in his life and it really affected his self-esteem and it was just a bad deal over all.  So, I did what I knew how to do I lifted him up and tried to comfort him and well I helped any way I could.  I would spend hours filling out applications for him and I did my part in helping him find a job!  I also worked a 2nd job.  I was working about 60hrs a week and I had a 3 month old baby at home. He is a great father and he is totally hands on with our son and he took up the role of being a stay at home dad for the short time.  He finally found a job after 6 months but it was only par time so I kept my 2 jobs. He later found another part time job and then that led to full time with excellent benefits.  After I had our son I dealt with ppd and well let’s just say I haven’t been the same since.  I built up a lot of anger and resentment towards him because I had to work 2 jobs and he got to be at home with our son. We had money problems during this time and had to rely on his parents for a lot of money.  Well, at some point I quit my second job and things were ok for a little bit.  Things changed at work and I was put under a lot of pressure to sell and we had to sell so much and it just became too much for me to handle and in Feb of 2010 I had a break down. I was put in the psyche ward for several days! These days were the worst days of my life and well nothing changed my depression didn’t get better it actually became worse it cause my body to become so weak that I was always sick and well I was unable to go to work so I lost my job.  We tried to manage for a couple of months but I fell deeper and deeper into this sadness and we were forced to move in with my parents.  I tried to work at several different places but it never worked out my anxiety and depression overcame my life.  We have been at my parents for a year now and it is awful.  He has some issues with me and he is just mean to me all the time and life I said it really doesn’t help when you put down someone who is already down.  I am so sad that I just want to give up on life and well the only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful child!  We no longer sleep in the same bed and we don’t talk unless he is yelling at me and a lot of times when I talk to him I am not nice.  We both have some things that we are holding onto that are affecting our marriage and now I don’t even know if it should be saved.  He has changed and I have changed and we are not the same people that got married on March 27th 2004.       
So, here we are September 2011 living with my parents and we have no money and can’t pay the bills that we do have. I can’t overcome this depression and it is holding me back. What happened to those people who loved each other and couldn’t get enough of each other? What happened to the girl who used to cry when he had to leave to go home when we were dating? What happened to the girl who couldn’t stand it if he was mad? What happened to the boy that would do anything for the girl? It is just not the same and it is sad.

I know these circumstances and how life goes changes people but I we need to figure it out because I don’t want to continue if we are never going to be able to love like we once did. We may shed tears and we may get hurt but it has to be done.