Sunday, April 24, 2011

“If I actually do it?!?" “

“If I actually do it?!?" “Is that what you just said to me?" Wow, you are usually my biggest supporter! This is not the time to doubt my commitment. This is the time to be my biggest fan! Help me by pointing out the things I do right and not the things I do wrong. I AM my biggest critic! Do you not think I know when I am doing something wrong even before you do? I do overlook the good things and the right things. I overlook all the tiny things that make up the BIG picture! No matter how BIG or small that thing is I still need to be praised!

Blah…Blah…Blah! “I’m negative?!” “YES I AM” so; I don’t need you to be negative to! I’m not asking for much just stand beside me and be my rock! If I come to you complaining about how I didn’t exercise enough or I shouldn’t have ate that I need you to say things will be ok and I’ll get it right tomorrow! This is gonna be tough and I’m gonna wanna quit but DONT LET ME! Don’t allow me to stop believing in how I can meet my goal and how I will be much happier in the end. I need you to be firm but kind, uplifting but truthful! I just need you to be my strength!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Chocolate Brownie Blizzard

Well, it was almost dinner time and we began discussing our possibilities for dinner! Who would of thought that deciding what to eat was so difficult but it is something that turns into a big deal almost every meal! I say all this and it doesn’t really matter but as we were discussing what we were going to eat I began thinking that I could just eat some ice cream for dinner and I would be fine but I knew that Brody needed food and Michael wouldn’t exactly agree with me but, from that point I couldn’t stop thinking about ice cream not just any ice cream I wanted a Chocolate Brownie Blizzard from the Dairy Queen! Thus began the internal fight that I have with myself every time I think I want ice cream. I begin to almost savor it while I am thinking about it and then I say to myself “No, Lynsey, you don’t need it or even really want it!” and then I say to myself “O, but I do want that blizzard it will taste soooo good!” Ok so I go back and forth with myself about this for some time before I even mention it to my dear sweet husband! I ask him if he would like to go and get me a blizzard and he doesn’t really want to so, he tells me that he doesn’t have any money! So, of course I happen to have just enough cash to get my blizzard and little something for him! By this time it is after 9:00pm and they close at 10:00 and I say if you don’t want to go you don’t have to! At this point I don’t even think I really want the blizzard but I have been obsessing over it for almost 4 hours now so, I’m hinting to Michael that he doesn’t have to go but, being the wonderful husband that he is and he really thinks I want this blizzard he gets off the couch puts his shoes on goes out into the rain drives across town and back to give me my chocolate brownie blizzard and he gets nothing for himself so, I feel kind of bad especially since he didn’t get anything and because I didn’t really want it at this point! I eat it and it the 1st couple of bites are good and then I begin to force myself to eat the rest because these things are not cheap and I don’t want Michael to feel like I wasted money or his time and energy to get this for me so, I eat most of it! As soon as I’m down I began to feel this overwhelming since of guilt! I then I begin to have another internal conversation with myself “ Geez, Lynsey, it wasn’t even really that good and all those calories you just ate you probably gained 5lbs just from eating that!” and then I say to myself “ Ok, no more ice cream!” “Yeah I’ve heard that before!” All of this for a Chocolate Brownie Blizzard from the DQ!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Yes………No………….. Maybe So?

O, my poor husband I don’t know how many times I’ll point someone out and say “Am I as big as her?” Of course his answer is always no but sometimes I wonder if he is really telling me the truth! Obviously my perception is off on the way I look because I’ll look in the mirror and sometimes tell myself that I am not that fat but if I see a picture of myself it almost makes me want to throw up! How can the camera and mirror make me look totally different? I guess it’s the same way when I ask my momma if I am fat and she will tell me the truth and yes it does make me feel bad but IT’S THE TRUTH!

So, what would I rather be told YES you are fat or NO you’re not? I actually I shouldn’t even be asking that question because I know the answer and it doesn’t matter how other people see me! It only matters how I see myself and I see myself as a big ‘ole fatty and I don‘t like it!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

I Have Decided to Do It!

Last night while I was lying wide awake in bed at 1 am I decided that I was going to lose the weight! I have been saying how much I need to lose weight for almost a year now and sometimes I really believe that I believe one day I will wake up and be skinny!!! I know this is funny but why else would I keep putting it off while I keep putting them on (pounds that is)! You see 2 years ago I had and excuse! At least I thought it was an acceptable excuse. I had just had a baby and well I made excuses that it was ok to be a little overweight well, a year ago I was 50 lbs lighter! Just think if I had started a year ago look what I would be doing today! I know I wouldn't be blogging about how I'M GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT! That's for dang sure! Not only had I just had a baby but, my husband lost his job about that time and it took him a little while to find another one so, I worked 2 jobs and for several months. The free time I did have I sure as hell didn't want to exercise! It was a lot more enjoyable to relax and EAT!!!! I kept telling myself I'll start when Brody gets a little older or I'll start when I am not so tired ... guess what the fatter you get the more tired you become! I look at skinnier woman especially ones that have babies the same age as mine and thank they are soooo freaking skinny (sometimes they are really skinny and sometimes they are average size)! It doesn't matter what size they are they ALL look better than me! I also look at plus size women and think to myself “O, that 'Big Girl' is cute!" Keep in mind I AM A BIG GIRL!

The weight has affected all points in my life!!! I am embarrassed to hang out with my "Skinny Friends" because of what they may think about me or when we are in public together other people are calling me the "Big Girl" I don't want to show affection to my husband in public because I think people are looking at us saying " Look at that Big Girl with that Skinny Guy". I won't take pictures anymore because I'm fat! My son is 2 1/2 and I probably have 25 pictures of me and him because I don't want to see the way I look! If you know me at all or knew me before you know how much I love pictures of myself! There was a brief time in my life that I was actually pretty happy with the way I looked! That was probably the day I graduated high school and shortly before I started dating Michael (the last time)! So, probably 3 years of my life I was happy with how I looked! By all means I was not fat in high school! I was very athletic! I played softball and basketball all through school so, I was exercising all year! Once that slowed down and I didn't change my eating habits my weight started creeping up! Even in high school I wasn't happy with the way I looked but what I wouldn't give to look like that now!

Ok, so most of my life I have had issues with my body but I am going to take control and be that once Skinny self confidant girl that I know lives inside me is dying to be seen!!!!