Sunday, October 16, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011

This could have been goodbye!

I am sorry for all the bad things I said today.  No one is perfect and you don't understand my illness and probably never will. I try to talk to Michael and Mom about things but they choose not to hear me.  I never have told my son to "leave me alone" I have said "I am working" because I am working. I am a good mother so fuck all of you that think I am not.  I haven't had much work this week so I went with Brody to the park twice and played outside with him. You don't know how I feel and how my meds make me feel so, don't ever say I wasn't a good mom.  No one understands or cares so, escaping from the life were everyone treats me bad at least makes me feel better.  I will never be able to live up to how everyone views Michael so, what's the point.  I have always been strong but I lost it.  I lost my will to really live and I just go through the motions and sometimes I can barely make it through the day but you don't get it.  I have always been the person that everyone depended on and I was supposed to be strong adn help everyone but when I need help no one is there for me and it hurts.  I am hurting and I can't just "snap out of it" sorry I have tried it doesn't work like that.  People seem to forget the person I used to be and well I guess that doesn't matter. No one can say "Lynsey we know you can be better b/c you used to do this or that or you always helped when I needed you.  No one has ever called to check on me. It was always me. Why do I feel like our family is falling apart and if I was fine it would all be ok but I am the problem apparently.  Who cares about anyone elsse's faults lets just take it all out on Lynsey.  I don't see how I can recover from this I don't see myself getting better b/c no one is there for me. I've been begging for help and non cares and no one helps.  I am all alone. I love my child more than anything in this world and he is the reason that I am still here.  Even though it seems that everyone would be better off if this "mean girl" was gone!