If I only knew then what I know now!

I am so upset with myself for making all the wrong decisions in my life which I am now paying for. I don’t feel that I am capable of making a decision without the feeling that maybe it’s the wrong one and something bad will come out of it! In the past I lived in the moment not thinking of the consequences of my actions and now I feel like I am paying for those bad decisions!

Soon after Michael and I got married I wanted to buy a house but we knew that it wasn’t an option because we had accrued so much credit card debt. After a couple of years we were given some help to pay off our debt but by that time our credit had been destroyed!

It’s been 5 years later and I want so badly to have a home that Brody can grow up in! A yard he can run around and play in! A place he will remember all the wonderful things from his childhood! I am so mad at myself that I was selfish and now Brody has to suffer for the mistakes I made! It makes me feel like such a bad mother!

" He is the annoyance that completes my insanity, and for that how could I not love him!"

Michael and I have been married for 6 years and I love him more today than I did yesterday!  Michael is a wonderful husband! He loves me unconditionally and that doesn't happen often in this world! I don't remember the exact date that I fell in love with him but, it was sometime in 2001 and it was kind of like I just woke up one morning and knew that I loved him! I kept it a secret because I wasn't sure if he felt the same way. We had dated in the past and we broke up after a short time so, I just wasn't sure.  We remained friends after that and I got to see the truly wonderfully, amazing person that Michael is! I remember we were on a mission trip and I pretended to fall asleep & laid my head on his shoulder ( Michael swears he doesn't remember) I just wanted to be close to him.  Shortly after that Michael's sister passed away and I wanted so badly to comfort him and just hold him but, I kept my distance and I was just there for him.  A couple of months later after our softball game we went to get snow cones and just told each other how we felt. Our "1st date" was on my birthday and we went to a wedding!  We moved in together a year later and he proposed in October 2003!  We planned a wedding in 5 months and here we are 6 years later! We have been through our fair share of financial difficulty, death of loved ones and dealing with my depression and anxiety for most of our marriage! I love that man with all my heart and I know that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have such a wonderful husband!

I just don't want to!!!!

                      I hate being at work!!!!! I absolutely hate it!!!!  I feel like I walk in the door and shut down!  Sell this ..... Sell that .... you are not doing enough or asking enough... you are not good enough ... blah blah blah!  I feel like I can never do enough or give enough.  I don't want to sell ... I don't want to call ... I don't want to talk to people .... I don't want to handle problems!  I JUST DON'T WANT TO!!!!

                    O, yeah I am tired of people bragging about how they did this or they did that and they sold this and they sold that.  I don't want to be nice to you and I don't want to laugh at what you are saying. I am tired of faking of and tired of being in this place!

                  I'm wondering if I am ever going to snap out of it or will I feel like this as long as I am here?

“Do they know who your momma is?”

Isn’t a mother’s love wonderful? Now that I am a mother I know how you can truly love someone so much that you would die for them. This mother thing is still pretty new to me. I have only been a mother for 1 ½ years but, I don’t want to talk about my role as a mother. I want to talk about my role as the child and how truly blessed I am to have MY mother for a mother. I have always known that MY mother was exceptional but recent events brought to light that MY Mom would do ANYTHING for me! Even thought I am an adult with child I will never stop being MY mother’s daughter!

When I was growing up I used to get so aggravated because all my friends loved my mom and would always want her around ( Now I see how truly lucky I am) She would try and be “cool” she would do things that other mothers wouldn’t or didn’t! She would perform concerts for me and my sisters! She would take us skating and skate right along with us snaking me and my friends around the rink and sometimes into the wall. :)  She would take me to ballgame after ballgame near and far. She was the loudest cheerleader and when it was needed she would be my biggest defender against the umps, refs or even the other team! She was there fighting the neighbors who called the cops on us for putting shaving cream on the street during a sleep over! She confronted the girl who stole my yearbook in Junior High! MY mother was my #1 defender and she always had my back! She made it so easy for me to talk to her (as long as she wasn’t watching T.V.! Ha-ha!) Anytime I had problem with someone she would always say “Do they know who your momma is?” it would annoy me at the time and I would respond with “Mom, they don’t care who you are!” This all leads me to say that my momma is the greatest and she proved it once again during my unfortunate stay in the hospital! Where I was held against my will! I wanted to ask those people “Do you know who my MOMMA is?” I know that my momma did all she know to do to try and rescue me but we were powerless! I believe she would’ve done just like she said and gone to jail for me if that’s what it took to get me out! It didn’t come down to that Thank Goodness but she proved that a mother NEVER stops being a mother to her child and as long as we are alive I know my mother will be my #1 supporter, defender and friend! I know how lucky I am that “SHE” is “MY” mother!

I love you, Momma!

I want to be “LYNSEY” again!

I don’t think I can do this! By this, I mean my JOB! They are all being really supportive and understanding but for some reason, that place brings me fear. I think about it and I am overcome with panic. I am terrified absolutely terrified! They are giving me a chance and I really appreciate it but,  I can't shake this overwhelming feeling of terror and nothingness.
I go back and forth like I want to be there and do my best but then my attitude totally changes to not giving a damn. I want to feel “NORMAL” again.

I feel bad for putting my family and friends through my crazy behavior. I don’t know why I do the things I do. I really feel like I am someone else and I am just watching myself acting and feeling this way. 
My husband is so wonderful and he tries to be understanding but it’s hard when I don’t even know why I do or say what I do!

How long is this going to take for me to feel better?

I’m getting impatient I want to be fixed NOW!

This is how it all went down .......

On February 18th 2010 I was admitted to the Psyche Ward of a nearby hospital. If you had asked me a year ago if I ever thought this would happen I would have said “ NO!” and probably would have bet money on it. I did happen and I was there for 4 long days! 4 horrible days! You don’t realize how much freedom you have until it is taken away. I mean completely take away. I was told what to do and when to do it! I had to ask permission to do anything from brushing my teeth to taking a shower. I was told when to wake up and when to go to bed. The hardest decision I had to make was if I should read, play board game or color! I was locked behind doors! I was trapped or should I say kidnapped? Held hostage? I couldn’t go outside for fresh air or even to fill the cold on my skin. I had to give a daily report on whether or not I had pooped or if I felt the need to hurt myself. You see that is how I ended up in the psyche ward in the 1st place. I wanted to wreck my car …. Drive into a tree or something. I had no intention of killing myself. I just wanted to be hurt. I know you think it sounds crazy but that is what I was battling in my head on my way to work that morning. I was overwhelmed with those thoughts! I knew I needed help but what kind of help did I need? Did I need to be committed or did I just need someone to talk to? The ER thought I needed to be committed even though I never said or had any intention of killing myself! I am still not sure if that was the best thing for me but, that’s what happened and well I can’t change it now!