One day ...

I'm so sad!

It's really late at night and I can't sleep! Probably due to the fact that I slept all day! But as I lay here thinking... I can't help but feel weird mixture of emotions! My great and wonderful friend Brandy is getting married next Saturday. I'm so happy for her that she's getting to marry the love of her life. My other friend Jennie got engaged today! I am also so very happy for her. I believe he is the one that is truly going to make her happy. 

I am alone. Don't get me wrong I'm very happy for my two great friends. They both have been through some hard times and truly deserve happiness. I just can't help but think I'm so tired of being sad. I've been so sad for so long and all I want is to truly be happy again.  I do believe it will happen I'm just sad! 

Yes you!

 He makes me smile the whole time we are talking and I just can't get enough! I think about him all day and I look forward to when he calls it makes me have little butterflies in my stomach! He makes me laugh and I just wanna be next to him. I like this feeling. You know the feeling you get when someone cares about you and genuinely wants to spend time with you. I've been missing that. 

Why was I not worth it?

I really don't want much. I just want my beautiful son and a man that loves me more than I can imagine. I want him to love my son with a love that he deserves. I want a family again. I want to look forward to coming home instead of dreading (for things I'm not mentioning). I want a house of my own.. Something I can be proud of. I want to decorate it and really feel at home. I've never felt like that. I thought that my ex-husband loved me unconditionally but I guess he didn't because he gave up on me to easily. I tired to make it work and he just gave up on his family. He gave up on us. I wonder why I wasn't worth the effort. Why did he not love me like I deserve? I guess I will never know. 

Oh, what a day!

Okay today is been a very crazy day! I found out that Michael has a girlfriend! Not only does he have a girlfriend but she lives next door to me! I'm really okay with the fact that he has a girlfriend because we've been divorced for six weeks now or so. I just find it really ironic that out of all the girls in this town he decides to be with someone that lives near me. When you get divorced you try to separate your lives and having child makes that a little bit harder to separate than just a normal break up. I'm used to the fact that I have to see him once a week.  But now I'll be forced probably not really to see him but to know that his presence is so close. Brody struggled with the fact Monday and Tuesday of seeing his dads vehicle parked next door and not really understanding that he can't see his dad. I spoke to Michael and I believe that he's going to try and work that out to where it is not an issue. Only time will tell on that I suppose! I mean I knew this would happened and I tried to prepare myself for it but I just think it would be so much easier if she didn't live next-door. Like I said in my last post I love Michael.... Im not in love with Michael!  I love him as a man and as the father of my child and I respect him and I want great things for him it's just I want to have a separate life from him. I still feel like our lives are so entwined in so many ways and I want that to stop. Sometimes I feel like I just want to get out of this town and break away from all of the memories and all of the people and start fresh. 

The D word!

Well,  I know it has been a long time since I have written but, I am just now able to feel like I say the things I want to say without fear. I am now DIVORCED! I never thought I would be one of those people that had to use that word. I am and I try not to and the words Divorce and my Ex- husband are the hardest words I have ever had to say. I don't believe in divorce and I am sad that I allowed it to get here but it is what it is. It just makes me sad that Michael gave up so easily.  I know it wasn't easy and things weren't perfect but lord I loved him more than he will ever know I guess. I feel ashamed and embarrassed but he has moved on with his life and he seems happy and thats good but I wish we could have been happy together. I will never be able to erase all of the little things that made us Michael and Lynsey and well we will never be that again. My heart is breaking a little more while I am typing and I wonder if I will ever get past this. I loved that man!