Advice from a friend!

Well, I just talked to a friend that said "Fix the situation you are in before you try and do anything else, If you aren't happy get a divorce or work it out! Quit trying to live a double life and pretend that everything is ok when what you are doing is wrong to me and your husband in so many ways!" This friend is one of the guys that I had talked to when I was pretending that I wasn't married. I told him the truth a couple of weeks ago and haven't talked to him since but today he texted me and then he wanted to say some things to me and you know what he is so right. He said he didn't hate me but what I was doing was fucked up and that I need to fix it! He is right but, what is the right thing to do? I don't know? We have lost something and i don't know if it is too late to get it back! This why I need a crystal ball so I can see the future and what happens when I make a decision so, I don't make the wrong one!

Don't let'em fool ya!

It is funny how a good day can turn in a shitty day in an instant! Well, I was woking on pictures and just doing my normal stuff and friend stopped by! We talked for a while about some things going on with her and then I brought up a job opening that I new about and that i asked Michael to see if he could hook me up with the job since his family has a really close connection. Well, come to find out Michael didn't say anything and they are interviewing tomorrow and thursday and I don't have an interview. So, it pissed me off because he is still my husband and he wants me to get a job so effin bad he should of done whatever he could in his power to help me out! I would have done that for him! O, wait I did do that for him! I am just so sick of him and all the crap. He refuses to go to marriage counseling and he doesn't want to help me get a job. That is what people do they help other people they know get jobs! So, I am so mad at him and I don't even want to be around him! Of couse when I talk to him about it. No one defends me and everytime Michael is bicthing at me about something my mother doesn't hesitate to jump on with how she feels but not with Michael becuase Michael is great and wonderful and blah blah I think I am going to throw up! Don't let Michael fool you. He is not that great! In fact I am not even sure if I can name one thing that I think is great or wonderful!

For the 1st time made to suit!

I am laid up in bed with a broken heart, while he’s out doing whatever he wants. How did we get into this mad situation? We are only doing things out of frustration. We are trying to make it work but these times are hard! I need him now but he can't seem to find the time. How did we get in this mess? Is it God's test?

Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best, we are trying to make it work but these times are hard. We should start by staying up and talking all night, saying things we haven't said for a while.
We're smiling but we're close tears, even after all these years! We just now got the feeling that we're needed for the first time in a while. But we both know how we're gonna make it work when it hurts, you pick yourself up when you get kicked to the dirt. We are trying to make it work but, these times are hard. Oh!  These times are hard; yeah they're making us crazy. Please don't give up on us baby!

No one will talk to me!

I hate my life and most people in it!  I tried to talk to my mom today and well she wouldn’t. Take 2 I was talking and she said don’t talk to me because I am not listening. I tried to talk to my friend and well got about 30 words in and well she bailed.  I tried to talk to my sister and well she listened but that was it.   I have been yelled at today and cussed at and guess what I feel like crap.  Of course that is all my fault.  I am so done!

another day in the life

“She smiles with all she has left yet her tears are left undried though she has so much to say she bottles it up inside if you look past her broken eyes to a shadow no one sees a disguise so you won’t recognize that girl is really...me.”


I thought today was going to be a pretty good day well, it was for the most part the part until Mom and Michael came home. I tried to talk to Mom about stuff and well, that ended rather quickly because she did not listen to anything that I said she just started talking about how I don’t do this and I don’t do that and well I ended that conversation and barely spoke to her the rest of the evening. You see my heart is broke and I want to be able to talk but obviously she is not the one. I knew that she wasn’t but I tried any way because she used to be the person I could talk to about anything. O well, things change! Then Michael came home ................... well I have been trying to talk to him as little as possible because I am just angry at him but we still have to talk a little. So, he brings me my phone and makes the comment that he couldn’t check who called me because my phone is locked and then he said because I was still lying and hiding things. That pissed me off because I am not! The reason my phone is and has been locked because Brody and Ashlyn pick it up and that can’t do anything if it is locked! So, then I really tried to not talk but he was telling me about a job that may become available in an office of a close Rima family friend and well I asked him why he couldn’t help me out with that and he said blah fucking blah some bs about how they hire from within and then I started bitching about it and of course he was just about to say but he would have his dad talk to him……….. Whatever! Tonight has been hard and full of sadness and tears and I just want to be ok!

I can't escape

Is it too much to ask to be loved? Not only to be loved but to be told that I am loved. To feel like I am loved. Instead of breaking me down why can't you lift me up? I am so weak and I need you to be strong.


I have always been the "strong one". The one that took care of things. The person who would advise and listen and do things for others without asking of anything in return. I am the girl that would send encouraging words through the mail because it would brighten their day. I was the girl that everyone thought was so confidant but underneath my smile I was dying inside.

I have been living in such sadness that I don't even know when I became so overwhelmed that I became the person I am now. The girl that wallows in her self pity daily. The girl that blames others for her sadness. The girl that would rather stay in bed than do anything at all. The girl that doesn't talk to her friends because talking is just too much. The girl who has good intentions when making plans but when the time comes I become so overwhelmed and scared that I often break plans. I don't care if I leave the house. I don't care if I talk to anyone.

I just want to be happy again! I know that I don't want to live this life like this because I have basically stopped living and I am just existing.