Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. You playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about the shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are meant to shine as children do. We were born to manifest the glory God that is whithin us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

It is your turn!

I feel like I get beat down constantly! I never do anything right! When I do something it is never good enough! I am just so over it I just want to give up! I don't understand how someone can assume that they know how long it takes me to get my job done because they don't! I don't go to his work and tell him that he should have had this and that done and it is taking him entirely to long to do it! He has know idea how long it takes to look at every single picture and decide which is the best and then edit the good ones! When i do a wedding I have to at least look at over a thousand pictures and compare them to the other pictures that are pretty much the same to make sure the custome is getting the best of what we have! He doesn't know because he doesn't do it. He doesn't know how time consuming it is to try to figure out the best way to edit a picture because of the things he did while taking them! The next wedding we do I am going to be the lead photographer and he can edit all those damn pictures!

Done!

Apparently it is ok to treat me like shit as long as your name is Michael. Your mom can watch him abuse me physically and talk to me however he wants but if I try to defend myself or even talk to him . I am in the wrong. I am so tired of living b/c I am worthless. I don't do anything so, I have no reason to live. In fact everyone would probably be better off without me. So, I might just do it. I could take some pills and just go to sleep and never wake up and not have to deal with him or mom or even try to be a good sister and try to do the right thing b/c nothing I do is right! I am not even a good mother according to everyone so, maybe B will be better off he has a new mom! My heart is broken b/c I am not loved and and I just want to be loved Fuck'em all! I'm out!

Perception!

Isn't if funny how we perceive ourselves.  I mean when we look in the mirror we automatically judge ourselves. It is horrible torture what our minds put us through just on body image alone.

I remember being in Jr High barely weighing 115lbs thinking I was fat.  I never thought I was pretty enough or skinny enough.  I remember sitting in class during the summer and I wouldn't put my feet flat on the floor because it made my legs look bigger. Um, didn't realize that it happened to everyone.  I did grow up a little and realized that I actually was HOT!!!!!! That was short lived!  During High School I played sports all year round so I was very very active.  When I went to college I started gaining weight but I was like I sitll look ok.   A year after I got married I had gained over 60lbs ... I was also on a lot of medication that makes you gain weight and I still am.   I manged to lose 50lbs and I maintained that until I got pregnant.  I weigh the same now as I did when I was 9 months pregnant.  Brody is almost 3! When I was young I used to look in the mirror and think I was fat and then I saw pictures and thought O, I'm not that fat!  Now, I look in the mirror and say O. I'm not that fat! When I see pictures it I am like you are so freaking fat!  Our minds are tricky and I don't like it!

I will cry if I want to

Well, I just turned 30 this past Wednesday and it was probably the worst day I have had in a long time!  I should have expected it because I cry every birthday! I cried and cried all day and it wasn' t because I was turned 30.  I just cried!

Grey Skies

I feel completely defeated! I feel overwhelmed! No One understands my depression and my sadness. I feel alone and lost in a world that is moving at such a fast pace. I struggle everyday to even get out of bed and face the day. A new day scares me! I can't sleep at night because I know I will eventually have to wake up. My anxiety becomes so overwhelming and I want to completely shut down! I just wish they understood how I feel because it hurts so bad. I have an internal struggle daily! I just want to escape the pain!



When you have depression, it's more than feeling sad.......It is intense feelings of sadness and other symptoms, like losing interest in things you enjoy, may last for a while. Depression is a medical illness, not a sign of weakness.


Depression is deep, depression is the deepest kind of sadness, a feeling that is always living in me. Depression is emptiness, something you always feel with depression, like you have nothing left of yourself, everything about you is empty. Depression is pain, the worst physical and emotional pain there is.


I blamed myself for all of my mistakes and misfortunes. I never thought lonliness could create such pain within me but it does.


I've slept and cried days away . Broken, lost, hurt, and angry have stuck to me for a long time. I wanted it to go away and this is was it. I haven't been a good person but I haven't been a bad person either. I have my regrets in this life and they will be with me forever


How bad I wanted to be something and all I end up is being a failure and a dissapointment in people's lives...