Everyday

I haven't spoke to him in 1.5 years but I think of him everyday. Oh, how I loved him. 

I was sentimental about many things; the long nights of talking; the arguments; feeling good; the inside jokes; the laughter out of nowhere; our sayings; your daughter, my son, divorce; the thought of a happily ever after; the songs; being alone and nauseated because you no longer love me. drinking; pills. Your disappearing acts; me losing you and I'm the one to blame! The unanswered questions. Knowing you are my soul mate and knowing I can't do a damn thing about it. 

There were SO many things shared between us that not a day goes by where something doesn't remind me of you! That sucks! 

Crazy Love..

  I love you in such a way that I have never felt and that scares me so much! I think well love shouldn't be scary oh, but it is! Love is the most terrifying, horrific, absolutely beautiful feeling you can ever feel! You see when you truly love someone you allow yourself to be vulnerable. You entrust that person with your heart. Your heart is the organ in your body that beats so you can live so basically you are trusting another person with your life. You love them and allow yourself to be apart of them. At that point you are pretty much one person. You don't do anything without considering the other person wether it be how they would feel about this or that. Being responsible with for someone's heart is a big deal. It is a big deal to entrust any person with your heart after you do there is no turning back it's not like you can wake up and say oh well I'm tired of being the guardian of your heart so you can have it back. It doesn't come back whole it comes back in pieces because for every second that person had your heart they kept a piece of it once those pieces have been taken they can never be returned. So, sometimes it happens where your give your heart away to someone who does love you but something happens and the love is gone. They hand you the pieces and you're forced to try and make your heart whole again. It will never happen from that moment forward your are forced to live your life with pieces of your heart missing. 

So, what happens when you love another? You love them with all you have and you do entrust them but that heart has been broken and it's harder to trust another person with it because what if they decide to quit loving you and return your heart with more pieces missing. They could say that you never loved them the same way they loved you but how could you love them with only part of a heart. How can you fully give yourself to another after you have already done that. So, even if the next person decides that they will accept all the love you can give even if its pieces. You love them with all you have and with what is left of your heart and hope that you still have enough pieces of your heart to make that person feel a love for which they deserve. 

What Tinder Taught Me!

• If you didn’t know you had a type: you do. Hence the quick-fire way you can absolutely HATE or love someone’s face.
• There is no smooth way to start a conversation with a total stranger with whom the only thing you have in common is the belief that you both are not ugly.
• It’s okay to dislike someone based solely off of the Facebook friend that you have in common.
• There is always a wrong way to spell a name. Future parents take note: you thought Craig couldn’t be messed up? Think again: I just saw a Kreagg.
• Guys have apparently not learned that it might be misleading or confusing to highlight pictures of them with their nieces or nephews.
• A clever one liner goes a LONG way.
• If the main photo is of two guys, the actual guy will ALWAYS be the less cute one.
• You never get a second chance at a first impression.
• Apparently 80% of men like to "work hard, play hard."
• NEVER trust a man who can take a better selfie than you. Never.
• Take this as an opportunity to delete profile pictures that you didn’t know you had of you and your ex. Nothing more confusing than a Tinder pic of a guy snuggled up to a girl. The same goes for “interests” you may not know you have selected on Facebook. I just saw a guy with whom the only thing we had in common was our shared interest in Buitoni Pasta. What?!
• If someone is less than a mile away, put your phone down slowly--very slowly--and run for your life (okay this one is just me.)
• Having attractive friends makes you seem more attractive.
• Everyone loves traveling! And working out! And trying new things! And food!

'that kind of love'

I thought I loved him but I never knew how much until we began the process of divorce. When someone does everything they can to break you, to scar you, when they seem to take pride in knowing they've destroyed you... You really see the depths of evil a person contains. And yet you still care about them? You still pray for them to find happiness? That's how I know what real love is. And I finally accept that I'm not the problem. The problem is that some people aren't capable of that kind of love. And no matter how much love I feel, I can't feel his empty heart. I will only hurt myself continuing this way. I need to start loving myself the way I loved him. 

Dating After Divorce!!

It is indeed a scary thing! Not only am I having to start over and do this whole dating thing but I now have a 6 year old little boy who's heart I consider in everything I do. 

You see this time around it is different. I met my ex husband just after turning 18 and we dated a while before we were "just going to be friends" we stayed that way until my 21st birthday and moved in together shortly after that and married soon after that! Did the roller coaster of life together and now I am here ... A thirty something who never dated an adult that she didn't live with or was married to.  Before I was married I obsessed over whether guys liked me or not, and I took it personally if they didn't. I even adjusted my behavior ever so slightly to be more to their liking. This time I don't give a fuck!!! My attitude is, take it or leave it, this is how I am. 

I've done the stupid "kissin' frogs" and I've decided to put some real effort In this whole dating thing and I've learned that not everyone is going to like me and that's okay! 

Being divorced is not the same as being single. Unlike my Never Married Friends I am not trying to find the "one"! I tried that and it failed! This time I believe I have realistic expectations! I still believe in Gods timing much like I did the First time! I see this as a season in my life and when Gods timing is right I will be able to look back and say that I really enjoyed this season! 

Yes, I still believe in Love but I see it differently not the Happily Ever After that everyone dreams of but a life with a man makes every day an adventure someone that can't just enjoy life with you and you both understand where you have both been and agree where you both want to go and understand that a lasting relationship takes work but sometimes having that Happily Ever After takes you through dips and turns and you may be upside down at some points in this crazy journey we call life but I'm Looking for that Man who will hold my hand through it all!  Never letting go! 

#dearfuturehusband

My ideal man is a God fearing man and someone who embodies the term ‘dominant’ but looks at me as his equal. I will gladly kneel at the feet of the man who walks by my side. 

I want him to be my best friend, my lover, my favorite person to talk to, my biggest cheerleader, and my team mate! I want him to challenge me, encourage me, and talk me down off cliffs. I want someone who makes my life more interesting, makes me better, and loves me even when I’m not very lovable (which is a lot of the time). 

I want someone that can laugh with me and someone who can cry with me! I need a man that can be my rock when I need it but will also be vulnerable to allow me to help him when it's needed! I want someone who sees the beauty inside my soul and not just on the outside!  I want someone who isn't afraid to hurt my feelings but isn't being malicious about it! I need a strong man because I am a broken woman! I want someone who values my opinions and recognizes me and quirks and the amazing woman that I am. I need a man that builds me up on a regular basis. 

Last but not least I need a man that who excepts my package deal 2 for 1 and will be a good manly role model for Brody a man that my son can look at strive to be like! A man that sees how a man should love a woman and wants to mirror that in his future relationships. I need a partner who will love my son like his own and will understandably not take the role of his father but will be a strong enough man to know that he is loved and appreciated like a father. 

This is unbelievable....

Wednesday July 2nd

@6:53pm text from me to Michael: 

You haven't let me know what time you are getting Brody tomorrow! Can you let me know tonight ? 

@ 7:54pm this is the text I received back 

You know what, we are ao accommodating to you when it comes to working around your schedule and helping you out so that you don't have to get out at 8am and neither do we and we are even going to drop him off for you and then you send me rude text messages and use !!! All the time and it's not appreciated. We wanted to meet earlier on Sundays so that we can go to lunch after church with family. So to say all that, we will pick him up around 5:00-5:30 We are not trying to start anything with you but it's ridiculous how you act when it comes to compromising for our sake. We could make you meet us tomorrow and after fireworks but we aren't bc it's not a big deal but Sundays after church are for us and God forbid you compromise for us and help us at all. We will be there tomorrow at between 5 and 5:30

@9:40pm this was my response 

Okay well first off the text that I was sent was not rude. I asked you to let me know when you would be getting Brody Wednesday evening and waited for you to contact me until almost 7pm the day before and this is bc you always wait to the last minute to let me know anything so I was simply asking for an answer this evening I was not being rude at all.  

I am accommodating to your schedule a lot ... In fact I'm pretty sure every time except for this last request and I stated what I thought in the reply to your text last week! When you texted me about changing the pick up/drop off time you never stated that it was for lunch with your family after church! If you had been honest I would have been willing consider it differently but you chose to say it was for Brody's best interest and school and some other things. I never said that I couldn't come at 8 am on the 4th that was brought up by you and Danielle and I agreed that it was best bc I don't like dragging Brody out early if he doesn't have to.  Also, you need to check the facts about compromising on who's behalf before you start calling me ridiculous! I compromise for you ALL the time. The text that YOU sent was rude by saying that you could "make me" meet you (but I would just simply do what it says in our court order) and I don't appreciate it all! I know that I don't speak to you or text you in a rude manor so you saying that is false.  I am in fact tired of being treated so disrespectfully by you. I am willing and have been trying to co-parent our child but for some reason you have been an obstacle to that. 

I waited until the day before asking when I would need to have Brody ready and I'm truly surprised by the response that I received!